Somewhere along the way I went back to writing regularly again. I suppose I could scour the calendar and find it but instinct says it was April/May. Every so often I scroll through the memories here, they after all are not ALL terrible. I remember that I used to have big ideas and dreams for this site. I haven’t given up on them, but I am more accepting that this one is the personal journal of the personal journey and I am pretty okay with that.

This week was a memory lane week. Funny how when it’s guided by another it can be simpler to find the cute things, the happy things. The pain is still there, no doubt, but the pain is not defining and directing.

What would likely be a good idea to examine is – anger. Whew Chile. I know he says that I cannot compare, and he is usually right. Anger is a thing with me though. If you think my stubborn is on fleek, my anger will flabbergast you. I work hard to not bring anger to the relationship. It’s not that I never feel it, I absolutely do. If you’d seen the text I woke up to this morning, you’d get it. In the time it takes to blink an eye or beat a heart I was on tilt. This is one of the moments the distance helps, because starting the morning off like that creates a lot to work through on the rest of the day.

I do my best to avoid that in a relationship. Even the relationship I have with myself these days. Perhaps the word especially should be there instead.

We’ve been walking down memory lane for a moment now. It’s not quite daily but I am presented with moments from the past and so far….so good. Each new addition I get to ask myself what am I seeing? What am I feeling? How does this feed into the overall lesson, the overall good? The answers come simply and it’s onto the next lesson. It’s amusing in a sense the lessons. He reminds me of …well me … in the sense the lessons are not structured in a traditional way and simple to digest and a fair way to judge not just compliance but commitment and enthusiasm at any given point. One might not know it’s a teaching moment while in it, but when it’s over you sure as fuck get it.

Memory lane was more specific this week, in that we moved the learning circle closer. I like closer.

I saw a couple photos and marveled at the smile on my face. I became enthralled with the relaxation, the contentment rising from the screen.

I remember where I was emotionally then. I could go back to dates here and pull mirroring words from the written memory. I remember saying: “I have no restrictions on what I can offer with the one exception of my heart.”

Yeah….that did not age well at all. That is not a complaint, rather an observation.

I had to adjust this photo, some resolution was lost in that adjustment. I cannot explain why my eyes were closed, I was walking up a set of unfamiliar steps. I had a lot of damn hair then. It was even less gray. In the adjustment it’s difficult to view all that is seen in the unedited version. I am sharing though to remember this moment. That look. That freedom.