This is one of those heal thyselves moments. I am going to, the turnaround time on old Nicole is significantly shorter than it used to be, yet I am still uneven on how to prevent the occurrence. I will get there though. I got here.

For the better part of my life, 43 years or so I’ve wanted love. It’s all I’ve wanted really. I was never one to want a lot of money. Even though money makes things easier in some respects, that is not what I wanted. I wanted some material things, but that was the result of conditioning which led me to think that you show love by buying shit. I didn’t understand that it was the desire to give the world to the person you loved which made the difference. I didn’t want siblings. I didn’t want fame until I saw how we treat the famous. Perhaps used to treat them is more appropriate. We used to adore them, in the times of social media we build them to tear them apart. I would never have considered fame had I gotten love.

Unconditional love is odd. I’m not sure it exists. Even the love I have for Clyde is based on a condition, he grew in my uterus.

I don’t know that I wanted unconditional love, I just wanted to be loved. Touched. Hugged. Valued. Respected. Loved.

I didn’t really get it once the move to Limekiln happened so I settled for attention. Good/bad didn’t matter. Sure one felt better than the other. Having a nun celebrate you at the expense of your classmates was attention. It was also a lesson. It taught me that I did not ‘need’ the approval of my peers when there was something else and someone else. I learned that lesson well and would take it all the way up to the transformation.

The bad attention was pretty bad. I took it though because it meant the one parent I had left had to acknowledge that I was there when she desperately tried to ignore that life reality. I still took it.

It created an adult who didn’t appreciate or understand love susceptible to those who knew how to twist and abuse that. I survived that though.

It took being stripped of everything I ever knew to be able to receive. It took the abandonment of all that I thought I was supposed to be to become the woman I was really meant to be. As exponential the growth of the past year, the last six months eclipsed that. I used to think I was afraid of the woman I was seeing in the mirror. Afraid of the woman I was destined to become when my reprogramming was complete.

What I realize is that it will NEVER be complete. He will re-write me until he can no longer remember code.

What I also realize is that he is the embodiment of all that I’d been missing. Missing is not the correct word, after all I am complete. He instead is the walking, talking, flesh of that which I used to seek. It’s right there in him. He’s also ‘mine’.

Mine is in quotes for a reason.

I can still recall when I would occasionally be tossed a morsel to keep me in place in that other relationship. I’d cling to that damn thing forever, and would hold me in place for fucking years. Until it dissolved in the reality that there was no reciprocity.

That is not my reality and every so often it will scare the shit out of me like today.

Until right before I sat to type this I couldn’t identify it. The feeling, the anxiety. When I opened the laptop I could literally see his words to me before I went to sleep, and it’s no wonder I woke off center.

That old song – this can’t be accurate and real – was playing in my head all day and my performance reflected it.

It isn’t true though. The science doesn’t support it. I’ve got real time, daily evidence opposite. Yet that raggedy old bitch doubt and sabotage popped up still. I won’t beat myself up long for it, I’ve got shit to do after all.

I am also going to resist the urge to flex. There is no need for it other than to be destructive and that is not who I am. I recall explaining to him how it would happen though, and like everything that I used to know before life wore it out of me, it will happen. When it does the final cuff on my wrists will be gone.

Why can’t I let it go now? Because I ain’t forgot all of old me, and some shit just requires that skill set.

Anyway imma go wash some dishes, and grab some water and distract myself. I may even watch some porn. I have lots and lots of it these days with my favorite actor.