I have another post in the drafts I might finish today but thoughts change.

In 2014 I was pretty sick. It’s a part of how the incident was able to happen as ‘well’ as it did. I ended up in the hospital for 2 days recovering from a low hemoglobin level. I was constantly fatigued. I would have shortness of breath at any exertion. I would have chest pains. I’ve had those symptoms lately the past 2 months or so and I assumed with my uterus gone wild this was another of those moments.

I stopped fucking around and got assigned a PCP. She’s cute and bubbly and I like her so far. She said fuck what I was doing at the GYN near me and sent me to one of her people. She immediately went through all my concerns and we formulated a plan. She sent me to the lab for a variety of tests and the results from some of them are back, including the hemoglobin one. Normal.

All of those familiar symptoms are not due to low blood. They are something else. The logical conclusion is that I am old and fat and smoke. So I can’t change my age that leaves 2 other things.

The cigarettes need to go, and they will. The fat needs to be reshaped and it will. The plan today is not hop on WebMD and diagnose myself with Ebola, to just breathe and stay the course.

I will make a plan and handle it. I am good at that.

It brings up questions though about what do you do when everything is as you thought it was then you’re shown nope.

I’ve thought of a certain person as nefarious. I’ve tried to unpack why. The simple answer to that is they have what I want.

If I can paint that person as nefarious then it relieves me of my guilt. The thing is from this vantage point it all seems nefarious.

There is no logical reason why the behavior is what it is without attaching harm to it.

Nothing else makes sense. Because of that, it presents questions I don’t necessarily want the answers to, because I fear it will alter the course I am on. The reality of that is things are going to happen as they need to regardless of my fears.

I told the roommate I won’t have to lift a finger to assist with the reveal and that’s accurate. I am not looking forward to the emotional work that comes with that reveal that is also accurate.

So now what?