I spent a lot of time dissecting my time at the Summer House. What I could have done differently, better. What life might have looked like if….

If never happened and it wasn’t ever going to, that which occurred was what should have happened to place me at this spot. I need to be in this spot.

I also need to absorb Sunday/Monday and move to the next thing which puts me where I should be.

I feel a little like MM today, or as I imagine she felt. It wasn’t that I never understood her position, or her emotions, I always did. I also had to choose me first and what I’ve come to understand is that even if that is the right choice, and it is executed perfectly, that doesn’t eliminate the possibility of harm.

I remember during one of my angry lectures she said what her intention was. I was to be dispatched to the Villa to hold things down while the transition finished. I never had the opportunity to feel the pride and honor in that because some fuck shit happened in that conversation. I’d reflect on that occasionally while I was still in Baltimore. She trusted and believed in me enough to entrust me with the Villa. She thought I was worthy. That’s a pretty big deal. She was handing me the keys to the kingdom to hold for her. Funny thing about that, is that I never wanted that.

Some of the past year has been me understanding that I needed MM and the other varieties of her to become THIS woman. This woman is pretty cool. Some of this past year has been understanding my own power and purpose and moving in that without apology. I understand for someone(s) along the way I will be a MM. That always felt like a lot of responsibility, and did I want that?

If I do or do not, it remains. I can ignore it and fuck it up and deprive it the opportunity to grow, or I can do what I know is in me…I can feed it and nurture it and slay it like Black women slay every fucking day.

I’ve processed the weekend and like I told someone yesterday I am good. I just review and document this moment where I was building a kingdom and prepping an heir to it. The difference is that I knew this person wanted it, or at the least she thinks she does. Not unlike me back then she fucked up the opportunity, and not unlike me she may not realize it today, or tomorrow.

It reminds me of how MM possibly felt and that I still have regret over that separation. It also makes me smile though because she’d smile at the growth here, seeing my ability to move. She wanted me to move, intellectually and eventually literally. I am moving.

It also makes me question why I was building a kingdom I planned to abandon. If I am capable of building it, why would I not want to live within it? My immediate reaction to that question is that my kingdom is in Vallejo. My question to myself is am I not regal enough to ‘rule’ from coast to coast?