Time. I think about it, in lots of ways frequently. There was an event today. I do a lot of those as the Daddy person has mentioned twice this week. This one was by the girl crush and it was advertised as the generations of her leather family sharing. They did.

Last night I thought of something super petty to do during it, and I was reminded that while I can out petty anyone on this 3rd Rock from the sun, what would it gain me? The effort it takes to BE petty assigns a value to the person I am not willing to extend at the moment.

Intellectually I think the final chapter on this has not been written, but that doesn’t alter today. I could choose to enter the space and be filled with the experiences and wisdom that comes from that much Black woman excellence, or I could cling to the pain of the Summer House. I chose to let go of the pain and it was the right decision.

Every so often I ponder about ‘Leather’. I don’t identify as leather, even though some think I should. It’s always felt like something outside of me, even if I move through this life surrounded by it. I aim to live by the theory, the character of it. I fail at times, after all the toilet paper made a brief appearance, but leather doesn’t replace human.

Like lots of posts here I started this one day and I am finishing it another. I started this on Sunday and Wednesday brings a different vizion. While I still have the questions and pondering about leather, I also have something else. Empathy.

It can be very easy to get caught up in yourself. Easy for me that is, I am learning to expand my vizion but that like all of me is a work in progress.

It took hearing a voice and recalling why that voice once mattered so much to me for me to sit and digest that it still matters. I may not ‘want’ it to, but it still does. They matter.

2020 is still a year of gifts and growth for me. As I told someone not even 30 minutes ago, I’ve retired ‘old Nicole’. She’s still here, after all she is who kept me alive to be in this moment. I frequently sit her down and tell her to knit a sweater though, her specific skill set is not constantly needed these days. This Nicole is dream chaser and what is more beautiful than chasing dreams except perhaps living them?

Old Nicole is how I can thrive in a pandemic riddled world. She was created to be alone, and the current me is created to share her life. The reality of 2020 is that share has to manifest differently at the risk of life and limb. In my reminiscing of 2019, I didn’t stop to think about how it might impact those who were center stage in that year. The woman I ran from is sitting in a hospital right now. The woman I ran to is struggling at times because what feeds her is impossible. The woman I am is laser focused on Summer 2021. 3 women, 3 existences which will forever be associated, not entangled that is a sailed ship, but connected by the life lessons we all took away from that time. There were many.

I ask myself at times if it is my pride which prevents the outreach. The short answer to that is sure. The longer answer is that is it not just pride. Some of it is me thinking she won’t want to hear it. I have absolutely no way of knowing that one way or another, to assume one way or another is thinking for her, and while that was a bone of contention, not all bones are worth dropping. So I am going to think on it some more and move when the spirit tells me it is time.