The Ides of March are right around the corner and DST drops tomorrow costing me an hour of sleep. I still want more spring though. I am not a big fall and winter girl. Truth be told I am not a big spring girl. I want the summer, alllllll of the summer. The positive about spring is that it is the intro into summer.

The last month…rough. I think that all of us have had a moment or two or 3000 in the past calendar year. I think back to this time last year in Baltimore and realize that even little ole me can get Corona fatigue. I spoke into existence that I was built for this moment in time, when the outside was closed and we close ranks and rely on those around us. I was. I am. I am also not, at least not for this long.

In October of 2019, in the aftermath of epic birthday weekend, I saw my future. I leaned into that future without knowing that a virus would impact the world in the way it did, that my fellow Americans would be assholes, and what we – the Daddy person and I – were building would have to be altered in the way it happened.

I am still thankful for lots of it. I stand by my position that who we are, and how we are strong would not be the same if COVID had not occurred. I also stand by my position that I am sick to death of this fucking shit. It was the stress of these past 2-3 weeks which reminded me that while I can cope and maintain because of who I’ve been before, I am not here now. I need the connections, I need the others. Yes I am that girl who was designed to walk through this place alone, but the woman I’ve become is different. Above all else I need to start that life I pictured in that room on Payson St. to begin. It will.

I just want it now.

I felt really alone and extremely exposed. It’s not a secret that I dislike that feeling. It is also not a secret that the exposure is what prompted my biggest growth. Even understanding that, I battled with it, because it came down on me like a rock, a boulder, an immovable mountain.

I questioned more than once, I questioned if we were going to come out on the other side. I thought that at the end of the conversation we might agree that moving forward is not in the cards. I was wrong and this is one of those times that I appreciate being wrong. It doesn’t happen often, and in truth I may have just been having a Nicole over the top moment. I just kept going over every possible answer which might come out of his mouth and I was looked real Dr. Strange in Infinity War. The one answer I never got phrased correctly was the one he actually gave.

What I am most proud of is that I never gave up. I am second most proud of being able to trust. Those were 2 things I can’t say would have been possible 5 years ago or with a different person.

March 13 is the day my spoon assigned an anniversary date to B & I. B would never have gotten this treatment. I am mostly over holding him responsible for Andrea, which is also progress. I am evolving and I like it.

The long night is almost over. I have shot #1. He should be getting his #1 soon and after we are both fully vaccinated we get to consummate this thing of ours. I chuckle at that because it’s not like it will be our first time, yet in ways it will be the first time. 2 old farts like us still get to have firsts, and that is a beautiful thing.

Another beautiful thing is that I take the lesson of these past few days and build on them.

I will. I am.

I had a dress all picked out for his summer visit, back when we believed in 15 days to slow the curve. I cried when I realized that too much time would pass and it would be too cold to wear when he got here. I was still thinking 2020 would give us a break and let me fall into the person I chose. 2020 never did and now 2021 is teasing spring. That dress is back on the table, maybe. I have the COVID 25 which might veto that, because with no uterus I might NEVER wear panties again and that 25 is in all the wrong places and the dress was short and tiny enough even when I was thinner.

If I can’t wear it, even if the weather cooperates, I won’t cry. He prefers me naked and so do I. Naked physically, intellectually and emotionally. Naked is good so fuck that dress’s feelings.