If you’ve ever met a Philly Girl you might understand one of the toughest choices we will make is whether to attend every fight we are invited. Once upon a time I always chose violence. Shit, I still choose violence a lot, probably more than is healthy.

The past week brought to the front 2 moments when I could have chosen violence and instead I chose to remain silent. That is not always simple for me. That should be obvious considering I am typing about it now. While I may choose to not engage in the moment that doesn’t mean it doesn’t fuck with me internally. As I continue to evolve that might change, I hope it does. Today isn’t that day though.

In one instance it feels like Groundhog Day. That one moment has appeared multiple times in the past six weeks and I am looking forward to when I can finally put that bitch to bed.

When talking to the little one I don’t get to put all of what I am experiencing on the table. It’s important that I preserve the role, the hierarchy. Some of it I just have to carry on my own. I can and do live with that, after all I am strong enough. In one sense it is good practice for the next moment, the West Coast moment. I am going to run into a lot of shit I have to accept or let go. There is no movement in some things and that can be hard to accept.

This particular thing I cannot let go. I also cannot alter it. I simply have to allow it to evolve as it will. Full transparency moment though, I am sick to death of it.

Some of what makes me sick is on me. The words expectations and presumptions were used and they were appropriate. I have the right to expectations. I may have to alter them from time to time, but I am entitled to have them. After all if I had zero expectations we will never move. I don’t have the right to presumptions. That is on me. My presumptions are about me, not about the situation. One of the things I have to remind myself is to not allow my presumptions to shape my expectations. That doesn’t always work, and I have to stop and re set at times. At times I feel like hitting the re set is stalling progress.

I do look at the conversation of yesterday, then I look at the calendar. The next ‘date’ is April 23rd. The reality is that on April 23rd I will still be around. I haven’t yet hit the moment I have to step aside. I do ponder what it will look like on April 23rd. I won’t focus too much on that though, because if I do I miss moments like last night.

I needed last night after the unexpected intrusion.

I didn’t expect the message. Perhaps I should have I did not though and because I did not I had to sort through everything that it would stir. I actually needed to work through what it stirred but I prefer to do things at my own pace. Life doesn’t always move at Nicole’s pace and despite that I am still frequently thrown off when they happened.

I shared it with the Daddy person and we both reached the same conclusion.

There really is not a point to it until everything can go on the table, and I haven’t gotten to the point where everything can be presented respectfully.