This was not the plan. Go home was the plan, and really that was the ONLY plan.
Putting the weekend together there was not truly a plan either, that kind of just fell in where it needed to fall. It was Unity Munch weekend and my birthday, and a dead body and there we were. Me on the bus, with a metal plug in my ass, uncomfortable as hell because the cotton on my skin after my beatdown the day before was a type of torture I wasn’t looking to endure. Me at the station, bent because Buttigieg was in town, and he wasn’t at the station, and I had to wait. Me in the car awkward as hell, being aroused at a level I hadn’t seen in some time yet couldn’t actually figure out how to masturbate and orgasm in the car. Me breathless as I walked the hallway with him towards the room where we’d spend the better part of the next 48 hours. Me naked as we waited for pizza, perplexed why he had not jumped my bones and powerless to jump his, always waiting for his permission.
Then me, putting my luggage under the coach and watching the city of my birth pass by and watching the city of choice arrive.
By the time I got back to Payson St, I’d decided that my question of August didn’t require an answer. I even wrote a whole email, which the universe protected me from and never sent to him:
It’s fascinating how I can wake up this morning and already miss being able to reach out and touch you. This weekend had a lot of highlights but that is like top 3. It’s something that I don’t allow myself to indulge in enough and I am thankful that I got that with you.
You’re incredibly special to me.
I questioned some things about myself going into this weekend but I don’t have those questions currently.
I have other questions but not the ones I came in the door with.
I know I was fairly quiet this weekend and that was about me not you. I would not trade one nanosecond of our time together. We do create incredible, electric, soul sustaining moments.
I want you that’s not a secret. I’ve been transparent about that, even when that want shifted from wanting more than a moment with you. We agreed to table the discussion, and I chose to not bring it up again during our limited time together. I was otherwise focused. I’ll be back at work in about 20 minutes and you will be back on a plane to your life, and in that reality I am unsure if we are going to have more than moments.
Instinctively I understand that I can have what I want with you, and just as instinctively I understand there are things I am not going to do to meet that goal. It’s not that you are not worth it, I leave you understanding that you are more worth it than I did before the trip. It is much more about wanting to maintain what this is, giving us both the familiarity and consistency frankly both of us need right now.
I absolutely know that I need it, and I think if you consider it you realize it as well. Ambiguity is not a strength of mine, wondering is something I despise in my relationships. Who/what we are and do right now is concrete. Any changes to that moves me from being certain to something else and I do not desire anything else in this moment.
You aren’t willing to consider anything else at the moment, and I accept that and you. You explained that to me even if you didn’t realize you did when you thought aloud what your next excuse would be to create the opportunity to blow my back out. That’s your reality not mine. I don’t make excuses, and that is the privilege I have which you don’t share today. I am worth more than excuses though, so this is the moment where I let you know it’s okay to stay ….here.
It feels arrogant to give you permission, but that is essentially what this is, permission for you to redirect your brain waves to something other than figuring out where to put me in your life. Yes, I want more, but I am interested in preserving our future moments.
Sent from my iPad
Had that email gone out, I am not sure we’d be HERE. Knowing him so much better now than I did then I would be willing to bet that he’d have taken that email and made many different choices. in the presence of his different choices, mine would have altered as well and I would have figured out how to separate myself from that which I want the most. The universe is a bad bitch though, and she didn’t allow me to self destruct.
I still didn’t know we would be HERE.
There really WAS a plan, well an outline of a plan anyhow. He’d take the trip he’d already scheduled, and then he’d come back at the end of March. That is not a really long time right? After all, we hadn’t made the mutual choice to do US back in October. I mean yes by Thanksgiving we understood we wanted to see this out, and by February as he prepared to board the international flight I was already so addicted that the concept of him being unavailable to me in Europe was painful.
March was going to happen though, and in that time we’d be face to face and could have the conversations and make the plans and I’d have answers to the other questions which popped up. And then the world shut down. 15 Days to Slow the Curve!
To lots of people that was logical and some people actually did just that. Like me – like him. We looked at the science and decided the remaining years of our life were worth more than a moment of gratification, so we sat. He supported me as I made the move back to Philly, despondent that the move wasn’t West…to him. I supported him in January of this year as he took the first steps in the seismic shift his life needed to take. We waited. We’ve both spent too many nights, with the pressure and injustice of not being together. We’ve both spent too many days carrying around our laptops and tablet because we needed to be “near” each other and could not make ourselves close the screen. We’ve spent too many mornings opening our eyes to a computer screen realizing we’d fallen asleep with each other, then muting ourselves but still having the window open so the other one could rest peacefully.
We’ve missed birthdays, and anniversaries. We’ve missed the first steps and words of babies. We’ve missed pool parties and binge watching Marvel shows. We’ve missed meals and lazy mornings when the work week is done. Most of all……we’ve missed each other.
No one should have to go through this, I should not have to go through this when the tales of my life show other instances where I’ve been forcefully separated from the person I love.
We’ve missed sex and kissing. We’ve missed spanking and paddles and the dungeon.
I got my second shot April 1, I am now fully vaccinated. He got his first shot March 31. In six weeks we can pick up the plans, those plans we never got to make before 45’s America went nuts.
We’ve gone 17 months, and the next six weeks feel like they just might be the longest I’ve had to endure, aside from after the incident.
I know I will get through the next six weeks. I now know WE can withstand just about anything, we’ve shown one another that over the last year and a half.
While I might shed an angry tear or two of what was lost, I won’t allow that to negatively impact my future.
In six weeks we will both have our Bill Gates microchip, and stimmy or not I still haven’t gotten a fucking passport. There’s always something. I’m always up for the challenge though.