If Daddy is not happy no one is happy. Lot’s of us have heard this as if momma ain’t happy….but there is no momma here. It’s just me and the Daddy person.

What’s been true almost since the beginning of us, is that if I think we are not good, I don’t rest. I’m working off about 5 hours sleep since Sunday.

I fucked up. The thing is I also don’t think I fucked up. I know that I fucked up though because he is angry, the angriest I’ve ever seen him. I know that because that fall off my pedestal hurt like a motherfucker.

We’ve gotten to the point of the program where each of us have had that ‘oh’ the other is actually human moment. I know when that moment was for me. I had some sadness, I shed a tear or 10, then I went right back to building. I *think* he will be similar, after he can take it out on my flesh. While the distance has been really really good in some aspects, the ability to immediately address the ‘problem’ is not one of them.

I understand that he is upset, and why he is upset, and upset is not conveying the severity of the moment. I do not understand the need behind it, and that is a problem. It is a solvable problem, most are after all.

I did something Sunday which he saw as a betrayal of my commitment to him. I obviously did not, because I did it. Even after his explanation, I don’t get his why, but I do get his injury.

My understanding of his why is not necessary to comply, so I may never get it.

What I do get, is in that moment on Sunday and the moments which happened after I did not center him. That doesn’t happen by accident, and along this way I lost something and my focus must now be how to get it back. I explain to myself that such an offense won’t happen after the move, but that doesn’t answer the question why it happened now, other than I was only thinking of me in the moment.

I gave up that option and somewhere along the line I thought it would be okay. It is not. It truly is not. I obliterated a year of trust in the one moment and I am especially not okay with that. I do know we will come out on the other side of this moment, I believe that.

What was different Sunday?? The altar. I put something onto the altar. I hadn’t even begun to ‘work’ on it I just but it on the altar. That one action triggered an event and a series of actions which almost destroyed all I built. Old Nicole would not move forward after this. I will though. I am going to NOW work on it more than ever, because the Universe always has my back, and if it means this relationship has to move out of my way, I will trust that.

I don’t want to though. I am afraid of the results. I am going to do it anyway though.