Did I learn my lesson? I did. The swirling one complimented my maturity in response. I said, thank you, another lesson learned.

It is maturity in a way. I can recognize that I made a serious error, I can recognize he is overreacting, I can recognize that I do not understand the why behind his need for the thing, I can accept responsibility without projecting.

Historically I’d spend all of this time trying to figure out why, why it’s so important to him. The truth of the matter is, why is not something I need to know. It is something I want to know, but I don’t need to know it. Since I don’t need to know it what is the next step?

The next step is how to make it right. I cannot. So what is the next step?

The next step is this moment in time. Identifying what allowed me to make that decision and working on how to fix that. To get there I walked everything back to the response. I did not have to respond to the inquiry. I did because it was from a friend, and make no mistake he has absolutely been a friend to me over the years. In the pre-game I never once thought past what would make things look good, to how he would receive it.

I assumed he would be fine with it.

I did not have to invite him to the event. Why did I? I wanted him to see me on stage. I wanted him to see how he and I could look down the line. The two of us together are magic, and that magic on display will change lives. I believe that. Moving him from his current space to the space where is he comfortable on stage with me is something I want to happen. So let’s stop right there and ask….is it something he wants?

Maybe. That is the only answer I have right now, because so many other things are now in play.

I wasn’t created to be mediocre. He is not mediocre.

I do need an audience, a stage and a platform. Does he? No.

What does he need? He needs Nicole from Saturday but she no longer exists. She’s fallen off her pedestal and the vizion of her on the ground is less appealing.

Will we get through it? Yes.

Have I caused damage? Yes.

I won’t get seven years of fuck ups, but I don’t need seven years. In that sense I am different because I do understand the value of his love, even if for a moment I placed my desires before his. So the answer is, erase those moments. Go back to the basics.

I can type and tell myself this wouldn’t happen if he were here. I can say that if he’d just listened to me when I told him I needed more protocols. I can make a long list of the things he could have done to prevent me from making that choice, and that IS a conversation to have…just not today. Or tomorrow. Right now this is where I own up to the fact that I wanted what I wanted and no one else mattered in that decision.

We both have flaws here, and in this moment those flaws are glaring. Because they are, we can see them and then fix them.