What do you get when the moment you’ve been waiting for turns out just a little differently than you imagined?
Two weeks is not a long time. In theory it is enough time to reconnect and plan, but then life happens.
I can do worse than life.
Leaving Pottstown, arriving in the Baltimore vicinity, living in the Wire season 1, I “knew” what I wanted. I wanted to live. I wanted to love. I wanted to experience.
I did that, and then some.
A little over a year ago, with my chosen person 3000 miles away and growing increasingly frustrated with my surroundings I realized I needed to change the scenery. I came ‘home’. That decision was tough. I imagined that my ‘next’ move would be my last move, and that I would leave Baltimore to begin happily ever after in Vallejo. I can recall the agony in the decision to come ‘home’ to Philly, and my sense of failure. Yes, it was a failure to me to not be able to make my fairytale happen immediately.
It’s been a year.
I told the roomie she had me for 18 months.
Wrapping my head around the fact that it could possibly be longer is not something that I am ready to do.
Along this current path I set a 2nd date. June 30, 2021. 31 days from right now.
I don’t have the vizion to say if that goal needs to be moved, but I do have the strength to withstand if it must.
I’ve spent every day since the decision creating a Nicole who can make this happen. I’ve spent every day since the decision, learning – growing – identifying a role and trying to stay within it.
It took a handful of days to remind me this is not a fairytale.
Along the way there came a girl. OH! The anxiety wrapped around that. I was here before you see and it cost me everything. I would talk to him about what this will take and he listened and we’ve evolved into something that I really can’t yet identify. I know that I want her around, I also question what that looks like without him. Along this current trajectory we don’t make it through as a unity and along the way I realized, or at least I said to myself out loud that it is the unit I want.
While I can see a path to getting there, I also still have that need to be chosen and that isn’t where she is at the moment.
14 days ago I was outside on the porch waiting for him. I can still hear his footsteps on the concrete. Yes he walks that heavy. I can still see the top of his head over the stone on the porch and feel what it was like to touch him for the first time in over a year.
I can still taste him on my lips. I can still feel his hands.
I got 89% of what I wanted 14 days ago, then life.
Tomorrow I don’t have to struggle like I did last Monday, the office is closed for the holiday. I can – and will sleep as late as the body will allow.
Last Monday though it took all within me to drag myself away from his bed, his person, his energy to do that which I had to do.
He and I haven’t even unpacked from the trip. Literally. I still have a go bag, and he still has dirty laundry. Did I mention I offered to do his laundry? Yep, I am a goner.
He had plans. He even gave me a directive – pick something we will do on a whim – so that you are reminded of what our life will be.
I was reminded of what life will be, but more than likely not in the fashion he imagined. To be fair I did not imagine it either.
By the time the 2nd Sunday rolled around, it was obvious my plans for the trip would not be satiated. Along the way I asked myself a lot of questions, questions which I didn’t all give to him. Why? Because the answers would not move me. If the answers will not move me, these days I don’t bother to ask the question.
Growth or something 🤷🏽♀️
Seven days ago, I was back here. I didn’t fully comprehend that we’d already said good bye. That the other reasons for this trip would consume him and time would get away from us. From me.
I was a good girl. I was not demanding. I stayed in my lane and I upheld my end.
From Sunday to Sunday I worked and stayed present and didn’t ask myself what comes next because that is a conversation we were supposed to have in 14 days. We did not. I am not pleased, but again my displeasure doesn’t = movement.
At this point of our relationship I know him better even that the human who sleeps in his bed. My vizion has already shown me what he needs, I simply have not asked him if he also sees it. I didn’t ask because a no to that question cracks the foundation.
What I have asked myself is am I ready to be a mother again? Sure I did a kick ass job with Clyde but Clyde isn’t here at the moment is he?
What I have asked myself is what does life look like when the empty bottle isn’t the result of unique stress? I asked because that version is not my favorite and I hoped to avoid it for a while.
I imagined coming into the trip it would be an extended version of our prior escapes. I found out it was an accelerated version of the mundane. I am thankful for that, because the mundane is a different milestone. I despise it because I feel as if it robbed me of some things I needed to steel myself for these next moves.
I must now move forward, without the reassurance. That sucks.
Once upon a time I told myself I would not under any circumstance move the June 30 deadline. I tell myself now that date is super flexible.
She has to go. Period. A line in the sand from a woman who doesn’t do that but I can no longer pretend that I can find a way to live with it. I will not. What I concern myself with is what that looks like. I’ve proven beyond a simple scientific method that I am built for this and for him. Even in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes, and a wounded heart in need of softness when the Captain made softness impossible. Even as I accepted the weight of the moment and put my own needs aside.
That is what I signed up for is what I’ve told myself and I don’t lie to myself anymore.
I wanted to know what the day – day would look like and the universe always delivers. I see it. I want it more than I did 15 days ago, even if I have a little WTF 🤬
I want it so much I spent the week actively doing things to speed this up, even without the conversation with him.
Seven days ago in the morning, in his arms, I asked the question. I believe his answer. What I have to ask myself now is – Nicole is that enough? Can you embrace that answer and make a life out of it? Or will you wake up in six yeas and say no – not like this.
What he wants is not what he needs, and am I prepared to be that which he needs which is a different scenario than what we planned? For more days like the first Sunday, fuck yeah. For more days like the last Sunday, the answer is yes but the enthusiasm is drastically lower.
Why him? Because.
Why me? I don’t have an answer for that which I can type with certainty. That is a hard one for me because for me to work properly you have to need me.
The Bible says on the 7th day god rested, and this man wants to be god. So today his disciple doesn’t interrupt rest. Even if the religion of his childhood says that the 7th day was yesterday. [the calendar says it as well but we make exceptions for that which we love]
There is a shift in me which has a list of demands. I can’t say I like that shift. That shift can impact things in a less than positive way which doesn’t feed the roles we chose, it instead feeds chaos. Neither of us respond well to chaos.
I also have to factor in the babygirl now. I have to figure this out for her too, and that wasn’t something on the table 18 months ago.
I picked him because of all the people in the world known to me, he was the only one who made sense. He still makes sense even if he is not immune to the imperfections of being human. While I am going to have to do things I thought I would be able to skip with him? He is worth doing them, and then some.
I know what he gets when I do all that I do. For the first time though, I am asking myself what do I get? For the first time I don’t have the answer to that and it is super sobering.
This is not a fairytale. I’m still a motherfucking Princess though.