I still need more time to settle into a place where I find comfort. That is a bit of a surprise, because I would have told you 2 months ago I was comfortable as fuck. I was, and that might be a part of the problem.

In the beginning of this relationship I think I strapped on my shoes to run a few dozen times. Then I remembered I was fat and chose not to run. That should be a joke, but there is not the amount of humor there I would like to see.

In this moment I am battling myself, mostly. One of the things which concerned me has arrived, and me, being me. questioned my ability to manage it. I am still asking those questions, and I am still here so that gives me a partial answer.

When it comes to the rough spots I tend to lean towards the simplest of decisions. Are you leaving? If the answer is yes then we worry about what that looks like. If the answer is no then the other decisions appear simpler. There is no simple here though, in the relationship which has been simplest in the history of me.

While that presents a series of challenges all their own, I am not worried.

As we move along to next steps, life has presented new challenges outside of us and those aren’t quite as simple to navigate as, do you want to be here Nicole.

I am super confidant in the two of us, but that doesn’t mean this path will be a simple one.

In my dissection of next steps, I realized that I fell into an old familiar behavior and in that realization it occurred to me that this will not be the last time I have to manage this.

In a way that seems exhausting, except I also know that how I manage this means the next time it arrives I won’t be so tired. Being less tired is awesome.

With the calendar saying what it says, I have to admit that a part of what he’s receiving is my own disappointment at not meeting my arbitrary goal.

and just like that one answer appears.

more will come