This is my song, and if you know me you know I have a thing for singing.

As I type this out I am reminded that THIS is my story, Vizionz in all it’s glory. Every time I remind myself I should be writing the book, the book is here.

Right now my story is that of a girl, who loves a girl and a boy and wants to live and love and laugh.

Not overly difficult desires, not impossible to accomplish.

In fact it won’t be super long before it is accomplished, because if nothing else we should all know by now I am fully equipped to do that which people think I cannot. #boss

I am still trying to figure out the details and there really are a lot of details. It is going to happen though. And I can see it clearly.

The Daddy person was here in May. I’d missed him so fucking much. I had a lot of hopes and plans and by the end of the trip almost none of them happened. That threw me for loop and had me questioning so many things, so many moments and all of my decisions. That is something I don’t ever need yet it happened. Even my attempts to revert back to the basics were not successful. I was just angry and frustrated and this distance which has served us so well failed us. I couldn’t get back to center, and he couldn’t see how/why I was off. It was compounding like the interest on a Bezos savings account.

The the little one who I didn’t know I needed until she showed up in a Zoom and never left my life got in her feelings and the next thing I know there was a plane ticket and I was maxing out my PTO.

Everything didn’t go as planned on the trip, nothing ever does. I am okay with that because I saw things that I needed to see, I did things I needed to do, and I connected in ways that I wasn’t sure was possible.

I also got laid, that always helps.

The thing is, while I can accept and enjoy that for what it was, and for the record it was fucking amazing, spending all that time between May and now let those voices grow louder. That is a me problem, not a him problem.

I just am still amazed at how swiftly I can fall into old habits. There is now a little voice in my head saying I am just like everyone else who throws away their principles for some sex. I absolutely understand that I have not though and can identify that as an attempt to run.

I do not want to run. I mean, if he buys the bike I will ride, but run? No I want to stay right ‘here’.

Here isn’t Philly though, and that is where my ample ass sits and types this so additional moves need to be made.

Congratulate me though. I am a NiNi.