Not just where you bump and grid it…..

Thanks to the Daddy person I’ve had Madonna on the repeat today. He says I cannot blame him, and I didn’t disagree in our messages. I wasn’t thinking about Madge until yesterday afternoon, so causation correlation blah blah and such.

Yesterday marked 2 years since I ‘popped’ the question as we call it now. If you are here and aren’t kinky, well how did you get here is my first question lol. The second part of that is I didn’t ask him to marry me, instead I asked him what would it take for me to be his. I did that which I would not normally have done to get that which I desired. The idea of me ever asking a man if I could belong to him was unheard of in prior incarnations of Nicole. He’s not like a lot of men though.

I think I still expected that he’d say no back then. Although I’d never asked him that specific question prior, I remember how he once told me his heart was off limits to me. I told him the same thing once upon a time. Things change if we are fortunate.

I don’t think of those days very often anymore, but there was a conversation yesterday that has me in the rearview.

The thing about the Daddy person and myself is way back when, there was a chorus of people who did not approve of us being in proximity to one another. What I can’t say with certainty is that I knew the fairy girl was one of them. Being able to look at it today, it makes sense. She’d just ‘survived’ Kajira, and it would be important to her that the line be drawn. She had the capital to do that then. Is today different is the question I ask on a rainy Saturday afternoon.

Had it been me on Zoom late last year instead of the little one could yesterday be celebrated in the manner it was? I can’t answer that question because that is not what happened.

I shared with him that it’s allowing me to give the fairy a little grace when I’d withdrawn that prior. I mean she is who she is, so she will erase that, but I am doing the right thing by granting it.

It’s only a little though. VERY LITTLE.

It just reminds me of all the moving parts to this move and frankly makes me just want to go to sleep. When I think about all of the things that have to happen, and land correctly, and it all seems like it could fall apart in a moment leaving me shattered at the end. This is where faith appears though and even though I am a girl who hasn’t always walked in faith, I lean on that heavily right now.

I have to.

The Daddy person and I spent yesterday with the little one. It was a good day. I wish I were there, but the lengths they both go to while I am at this distance to include me are appreciated. While I made a promise to myself we wouldn’t miss any more milestone days, life hasn’t allowed me to keep that promise and I have melancholy.

I have hope though. Today that is enough.