I don’t know how many parts there will be to this but I give to you part one. MsC what is it you ask? It’s the Master Slave Conference. It’s one of those kinky things that I speak about from time to time. Yes it’s been a while but I’ve been in a pandemic.

When I lived in Baltimore it was a little easier to get kink exposure. I could volunteer at the Playhouse and immerse myself in the atmosphere. Since returning to Philly no. Mind you, outside is broke right now so that is one valid reason.

Philly also isn’t set up like Baltimore. There isn’t a dungeon or to my knowledge ongoing safe partys. I don’t know what I would consider safe right now so there’s that. It’s one of the reasons I am back in therapy, going outside. Yes I am back in therapy and even though session one ended with the dragging of Nicole, I am going to stick it out. I needed to admit to myself that work, and separation and COVID have me in over my fetching shoulders and prevent chaos.

Prior to moving to Baltimore I made the conscious choice to not venture out to events that were not Black produced. I needed to alter that in Charm City because the venue available to me only had the Blacks there 2x per year. While in that smallish setting I was able to get comfortable again being around the yts, I think that was more of these are the people in my neighborhood type of thing. Yes a couple nights I would be the only colored, but for the most part, it was a safe space. I got to make some connections and I got to create relationships and as it goes the Playhouse people are cool AF.

Coming back to Philly and not having that safe space, well COVID aside I needed to know what that looked like for me. I still don’t.

A while back I ran across the ad for MsC Worldwide, and realized it would be virtual. We are all too used to virtual shit right now. The thing about the virtual event though was it was finally in my price range. Being kinky is expensive, and a virtual con meant lower registration and eliminating travel and food costs. I decided I would go. Then I decided I would do something I have not done for a while, volunteer.

The volunteer experience is a lot at times, and at an in person event I would normally limit my hours. It’s hard to explore and connect and enjoy when you are running about helping put out the fires that pop up for no reason no matter how hard you plan. People are always gonna people.

I didn’t want to just show up though I wanted to be involved. Why? I haven’t unpacked that yet, and I might not. I submitted the application and then it dawned on me – you forgot to ask the Daddy person. After the hypnosis debacle, I expected some hesitation but I told both him and myself the truth. I think this will benefit US. He asked for time to think about it, life went on and suddenly about a month ago the email came that I was accepted as a moderator. Back to the Daddy person, with all the reasons why he should say yes, and he did.

The 2 weeks leading up to the conference were hectic and that was just for me as a ground level volunteer, I can only imagine what it was like for the people higher in the food chain. Emails calls Zooms. Being transparent I was kinda sick of it before launch day. I know Zoom, I know how to moderate, I am good on the fly. It wasn’t my show so I participated as much as my mental and time allowed though.

I asked my girl crush for a reference, she gave it and I think a part of it was, that I could not let her reputation take a hit because I was not prepared. Another aspect was this was for the most part a group of people who didn’t know me. If you are on the East Coast, Black and kinky, even if you don’t know me personally odds are if you are in the scene you can go 1-2 degrees of separation and find someone who does. MsC and its regulars not so much. It is a WHITE conference. It is a MASTER/slave conference and that is not the circles I’ve chosen to run in during my years being public and kinky.

Shit, I once swore I’d never attend.

That was mostly Nicole bullshit and not necessary for this post. I might get into in another segment.

It is however important that I be known in this circle for my plans moving forward. See my face and see that which I am capable of doing. #also I felt a need to repair my slave image. Again that is Nicole shit, but it was still quite important. The schedule came out and I was smack dab in the middle of it. 8 slots. I was going to be seen all over the damn place, be careful what you wish for bitch.

That’s when I started to get nervous and started asking those what if questions. That’s when the old voices started calling me an imposter and fake and that set up a whole other set of issues leading into Labor Day weekend and launch.

That is also where the nerves hit because what M/s looks like for me on the surface is not any of what I thought MsC was about.

Even though I accepted the word Leather to myself, I am not ‘out’ identifying that way. In my head there is a lot attached to that.

I worried that the curriculum was going to be super yt and that I would have no connections to tether myself to what I wanted to get out of the event. I worried and worried and like most things, when the cameras hit and it was time to perform I did.

I was actually good at it too.

It reminded me of what I was missing before I put my events on hiatus. It reminded me of that I want in my future. It reminded me of what I chose this relationship for and the possibilities it still has even if I was throwing a tantrum all summer.

It also reminded me of why I move as I do.

More to come in part 2

The 2 weeks leading up to the event were a little hectic. That was just for me as a grou