I woke this morning still smiling from yesterday, but also reminded of similarities. I haven’t spoken to the Daddy person about it yet, because time difference. Fuck time difference right now.

Before I sat to write I reminded myself that this was different, yet to not yield to the lessons of the past means I am doomed to repeat the mistakes and well that last mistake in my head at the moment almost killed me.

The irony of talking to Clyde’s case manager while activity was happening yesterday is not lost on me, which could be why this is front and center in my brain this morning.

2013/2014 I was emerging from the last failure with Kahlil and tentatively sticking my toe back into the waters. I wasn’t healed. I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t ready but I was seeking ……something.

The choices I made then are much different than the ones I am making now, so I don’t fear the same results. Frankly I am afraid she’s going to break my heart. Shit he could also break my heart but he is different. Hell all of this is different.

I don’t know if I unpacked this here before. B was chosen because of his unavailability. He was the safe choice for a girl who required safety. I don’t type that to diminish our connection. I don’t erase our happiness while it existed, and the growth that happened. It was needed. He wasn’t however where I was going to forever land. Forever land….that’s a whole other thing to unpack but one suitcase at a time.

B was chosen to be safe to a girl who didn’t feel safe. Who I am today would never pick him, but I am no longer that girl.

In hindsight I should not have. Ironically it was that Sunday morning when I needed him and he was infatuated with Andrea which should have sealed that deal. He is who he is though and while he is brilliant in ways, and loving, and perverted my friend is also dense as fuck. About some things.

As I type about this I also recall that’s when I first dallied with the wolf. Damn a lot happened that weekend.

I know that I’ve shared how my first Weekend Reunion almost never happened. My apologies Constant Reader you’re going to have to search for that on your own, if I run off to find the link I will end up in a rabbit hole and this won’t get finished and I need to finish this.

Leading into the first WR I was contacted by Andrea actually. I can recall laughing with B about the absurdity of the random who hit me up and asked me if I’d be willing to do a full sew in for her at the event. We chuckled at the ridiculous notion that I would waste 4 – 5 precious hours of the event to be in a room with some chick I never met doing her hair instead of reconnecting with my kinky family. We shrugged her off as not all there and planned our fun.

Neither of us knew at the time she would be a central figure in our lives, or our relationship.

I don’t have the photo any longer, but I can recall it. She’s in the hall, outside the ballroom, beaming and smiling. She looked amazing in that photo and anyone who sees it would understand how captivating she was. I’ve beaten myself up a lot in the years since, but that one photo reminds me that she was once beautiful to me.

She and I clicked immediately. B and her not as much. Yes they spent some time and talked, but my connection to her was instant, his secondary. I still ponder if it was my arrival at their early morning conversation which sealed the deal. When I am vulnerable there is not resisting me. I arrived in their conversation with tears in my eyes and soul, asking my then friend to help me through the moment. I was overwhelmed with memories of my last trip to that hotel, and the loss of the one I’d given myself to. At the time I might not have even fully embraced his full deceit, I just knew that the last time I was in this place the seeds of our separation were sprouting and I was still trying to manage what life was going to look like.

My friend insisted on continuing the conversation with nu girl, and I was left alone.

I’d later rationalize it with he wasn’t daddy then and wasn’t obliged to do anything other than what he did. Funny how you can make those excuses to justify when you don’t think you deserve more or better. That is who I was then though, so that is the path I chose.

Thinking back, I landed in the relationship because they both wanted ME and I was the means to that end. Each of them understood that I wasn’t going to move forward with either of them and the draw of both of them might be irresistible. They were right.

What I did not understand then, what I barely understand now, is that I was looking at my Clyde aging and realizing that who I was wasn’t all that I could be without the love and connection. I was understanding that as my baby boy transitioned into a growing young man, that we would eventually be separated due to his condition and then what? I hadn’t become anything worth mentioning [in my head], before him and who would I be after him? I was trying to pre-emptively replace what was not lost. Fuck.

I won’t revisit the details. They aren’t important to the moment now…as I ask myself the question am I trying to replace again. I want to say no. I desperately do.

What is most important from that memory is that she wanted me, and when I determined she could not have me shit went to shit. If I want to go comic book nerd this was an absolute spot in the story of Nicole. That doesn’t make it more digestible, it just reminds me that I cannot be where I am now without that event.

This triad is different in it’s origin, but not necessarily in its design. I am the attraction. Neither of them would be with the other if I am not a part of the equation. I don’t know if I am prepared to be the glue yet here I am anyhow.

I chose the Daddy person with intent, yet even in that choice I have to question if even he was chosen with some of the preemptive criteria I’ve used in the past. I say the answer to that is no, and I behave as if that answer is not no, yet I am typing this from my living room in Philadelphia and he’s getting ready for drone day in Vallejo. Even if I don’t have the answer to that, I do know that the only ‘other’ person I factored into our relationship was the fairy and even that is not what I anticipated 2 years ago.

The little one was not expected at all. She showed up in a kinky zoom, and a friend said she’s cool. I was very much no new friends, I was still questioning how I’d allowed the one who introduced us in. She was cute and the aura about her required protection. I don’t know how else to explain it. When you meet her you will immediately understand. She kept showing up. I kept wanting to protect her from these BDSM streets.

I found out her location and being totally transparent, I thought she could help me. If I could make the introduction, she’d be able to stand in when I could not, to do things I could not. Am I feeling some guilt about our beginnings? No. I’ve started relationships with less than altruistic motivations before, Cee is an example. Cee turned out to be a sister when the one who shares my last name hasn’t ever. Do I think if the little one reads this she will be hurt? Perhaps, but I hope that what exists today makes that less than relevant.

We have lots and lots of titles and roles in this things I do, one of them is little. What I can say without hesitation is that if you look up the definition in the BDSM bible her photo is there. So many women walk around calling themselves such, but she is pure.

That is another difference. Andrea pretended to be what she thought I wanted. She was neither submissive nor a little.

My little one is as pure as a 3 year old. I’ve referred to her as a 5’8″ three year old.

While she is not inherently submissive, like a child looking to their adult her need for approval from her authority triggers behaviors which mirrors submission. For reasons she would have to explain, she’s picked me as that authority. I don’t take that lightly and since that became evident to me I’ve managed myself as such.

This time of year pulls up Facebook memories [ha more irony], which remind me of 2014 and that clusterfuck.

I am reminded of how the permanence of my separation was clear right about now, and how not long after this Andrea rolled her dice.

The instigation was Andrea’s refusal to adhere to the rules I set and acknowledge my requirement I be her priority when she was ….wait for it…wanting to be with another man.

Want some more, I could not write this it’s so absurd? The man in question lived in Georgia and I didn’t think he was worthy of my little one.

The complexity of this isn’t lost on me, and perhaps at some point the conversation will occur. I felt then in 2014 I could make my little one happier than the dude in Georgia and in 2021 I share a similar space.

This is different in that I factored Georgia man into the equation, what I didn’t expect perhaps was how much I actually want this little girl. How my heart skips a beat when she calls me NiNi, and how much it alters my day when I don’t get to wake her and hear her good morning. I’m pretty gone when it comes to her and that is scary. It is what hit me this morning, that not unlike the Daddy person she is someone I don’t want to be without. Ever.

I have to prepare myself for the possibility that we won’t be a happy family, and frankly I do not want to. I want to kiss her awake every morning. I want to hold her in my arms every night, and I ask myself will I be whole if she doesn’t choose that? The answer in this moment is no.

I know without exception that I could manipulate her to that point. I won’t though, because protecting her means protecting her even from me. I want her to choose to be loved everyday for her authentic self. I want her to choose to be free to express all of herself without the responsibility of a family that is not her own. I want her to choose to be cherished in a manner she didn’t know existed and valued as much as the air we breathe. I cannot make that decision for her, and the gut punch this morning was the reality she might not.

I am not okay.

Deja Vu fucking sucks