I did that which I had to do to protect my health. In the cost of that I cannot protect my finances.

The job gave me high blood pressure, anxiety and depression. I had days sitting at the desk where I would weep and work. I got alerts from my iWatch that my sitting heart rate was over 120. If I hadn’t applied for leave that job would have given me a heart attack or worse. What I didn’t do was plan much financially. I mean, in my partial defense there was little I could do. Most of this time I’ve lived paycheck to paycheck and with the job retaliating I couldn’t work overtime. I managed as best I could and with a little grace from the universe rent will get paid for November, then it is a waiting issue.

I didn’t think it through because it was clear to me what had to be done. I didn’t ask permission from the Daddy person, because his instructions are clear, protect what is mine. I applied for Worker’s Compensation. The job denied it. That is not unexpected, they’ve low balled me, humiliated me, abused me for over 2 years now. I tried to keep going, the physical effects got worse. I told myself you can make it to the 9th Nicole, and the reality is that I could not. I applied for short term disability and FMLA. Both those are pending with the short term disability denied. I must now rely on coaching fees to get me through the month and without the new client that balance to navigate is $250. Will I make it through? Yes. I’ve been through tougher. Am I angry, fuck yes.

I’ve had nightmares every night this week. I suspect that is my station until Nov 10. I also still have to deal with the fact that tomorrow is the anniversary. seven years.

In a sense, I am too exhausted to mourn tomorrow. Seriously. I’ve addressed the agorophobia this week, and slayed it. I can go outside again. Will I venture out as I used to? That is unlikely, but I know that I can do it. I am unlikely to do it because the luxury is attractive now, and if you know me you know that I have champagne taste. If you’ve read the prior words you also realize I have a tap water budget.

My health is balancing out. I am down 4 pounds this week. I am pleased at that because it supported my theory that heading out the house and doing would just start the weight loss I needed. I am at a total of 7 pounds since I started tracking 3-4 weeks ago. As my legs and back adjust to the new activity and the stiffness and pain level out I can add in extras and begin to make a serious dent. The blood sugar is pretty steady, but being out of the house has created a new set of challenges. With the reduced budget I don’t know yet how to counter those challenges but I do not need that answer today.

What does distress me is time away from the little one. I hoped that my time outside would still allow our time and connection. That’s not the case at the moment and I miss my girl. We did have story time this week and fell asleep together and when I woke she was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. That was so beautiful. Watching her sleep contently makes up for the fact that I cannot yet hold her in my arms as she does it. She is amazing to watch sleeping and I could literally do it for hours. I hoped that with the visit from biological mom, it would lessen her missing me but that was not the case this week. I need my babygirl and she needs her NiNi.

Today I have to draft a plan/schedule for next week to make a bigger impact. We got some things done but a lot more needs to happen to get the other one where she needs to be, and while it is daunting, I am happy to do it. I am a caregiver. This is how I feel most whole.

I do however miss the restoration that comes with the touch of the Daddy. I know the dangers of pouring out without that refill. The cost of that is documented in these pages. I know what to look for and how to pull back and I will. Protect what is his. What was always missing, well almost always in the 7 years with Bonnie & Clyde was the restoration. I have the ability to ‘get it right’ this time, I just have to get there. I will get there.

I also have to remind myself that this is not then, and while I am filling my holes and needs, I do not also have to repeat the same mistakes.

What I don’t say out loud often is that I was meant for this. I don’t say it aloud because it contradicts that other thing I was meant for and there is no way around that, period.

The balance can be located. What I rely on in this moment is that my financial obligations don’t topple me as I get there.