It’s been a little while since I’ve scrolled the rolls of Vizionz. I’ve had a lot in my present and future, so focusing on the past wasn’t something I had the inclination to do. The past cannot be erased though. I wrote that just about 30 days before I told Andrea I wouldn’t be her dominant any longer. That action set into motion all that created this girl typing on the porch this morning. All in all, she’s a bad bitch and I am thankful for all that created her, even the incident but it is challenging to sit here and re-read the words of the girl who did not realize her world was about to burn.

These years later, I cannot say I identify as poly yet. I have lots of love, for more than one person. I still identify the term poly as being able to manage multiple relationships that extend beyond sexual and I don’t feel that applies to me today.

I have chosen to enter a relationship with a person who does not support the idea of me having multiple sexual partners. The concept annoys the fuck out of him if I am being truthful. Men women doesn’t matter.

So here I am in a place I’d previously rejected. Sexually monogamous. Ugh.

I absolutely thought this was a chapter of my life which was over. I also thought I’d not be in a relationship again 🤷🏽‍♀️

Navigating this foreign terrain is …..special.

I haven’t been sexually monogamous since my early 20s. Even then I can’t say it was a conscious decision, it was simply a lack of active interest. I mean, that was a time in my life when I wasn’t fully aware of what sex could be, and it felt more like just something I did with the person I was with.

There was the acknowledgement that I had attraction to others, but moving on that attraction wasn’t something I was going to do. That of course would eventually change, and I wonder why it wasn’t something I considered back when I was with Tansey or the other string of boyfriends before big Kahlil. I was also a girl who couldn’t orgasm back then. I mean I was the girl who would read a book when he was going down on me 🤷🏽‍♀️

When I stepped fully into being a sexual being, the idea that I was only going to be with one person wasn’t attractive to me. Of course there would be times when my desires were only for the person, that was more of my design for specificity than an acceptance of sexually monogamy as the normal. When I was single ….it was whatever goes. When I was with a specific person…it was a craving for that person carefully feed and cultivated.

After the incident I was asexual for quite some time. I was struggling to figure out how to keep living, sexual intercourse wasn’t a priority. As I type this I am recall the night with B at the hotel in the middle of all that and I can point to the precise moment which killed that relationship. I can also identify that segment of me which performs out of obligation vs desire but that is a separate entry for a separate time.

It wasn’t until I was working again and living in the shelter that I gave myself permission to feel desire again. That return to the game resulted in the Kid. The Kid reminded me of how I’d created the savage who used to run these streets. Then there were the others I’d pick up along the way and the concept of sexual monogamy with any of them never entered my consciousness. I rarely engaged while in Pottstown. That should have clued me in that it was not a good place for me, but shit I can be a slow learner at times.

It was landing in Baltimore which woke the vagina all the way up. Once she had her coffee she was awake and ready to get to work. I felt much more like my ‘old’ self and was ready to just ho. I mean, I like hoes. I appreciate hoes. I have ho tendencies. Then I opened my big mouth last summer and told a boy I liked him.

This boy I liked is fully aware of the better part of my sexual past. He is also fully aware of my general distain for monogamy. It was one of our bonding moments once upon a time, that neither of us thought sexual monogamy was particularly necessary for a relationship to be successful. I never thought to ask, if that meant MY sexual monogamy or mutual, but I also never thought I would ask to be his so there is that.

It wasn’t until I was committed to the idea of ‘us’ that the question landed on the table, and that’s when I figured out my ho days were behind me. I thought about it for about 45 seconds. I thought to myself, this nigga knew my position how is he dropping this on me. Then I chose him. the end