These posts will get published eventually. They all do. Right now they are just for me to record to remember to never forget.

I fucked up.

The fuck up wasn’t leaving. That was the right thing to do. The fuck up was what happened the day-s after.

I could list all the reasons why but the end result remains unchanged. I fucked up. As a woman who has a decent string of fuck ups this is top 3 easy.

I have a biological mother out there someplace. I have my Bonnie who’s no longer answering to her own name. I picked someone I admired to be the 3rd. I figured I didn’t have a choice the first 2 times now that I get to pick, pick well. I did. I didn’t even tell her at first. She even referred to me as her daughter once before I killed that.

I remember in that moment thinking wow. My chest got tight and a tear escaped before I could stop it.

Then I fucked up. Her words are harsh, but I’ve earned them. They don’t sting less, especially when they are the words from other mothers. I’d like to say it’s not who I am, but it is. As much as all the good is a part of me this is too. I wasn’t taken by aliens this was me. Yes there are reasons for each action, but they don’t erase the harm. They don’t erase the hurt. Even when prompted from consideration, at the end of the day, they hurt.

My crush says intention matters. I want to believe her but I see the hurt and can do nothing to soothe it besides remove myself as quickly as possible. At this point I’m a breathing reminder of the pain and if I can do nothing else I can remove it. Quickly.

I rejoiced at the opportunity, then sabotaged it. And it really might just be that old familiar pattern of destroying my happiness before it can be taken from me. In this moment though, that doesn’t matter. My dysfunction bled out and did harm.

There was gratitude, there still is. I absolutely haven’t displayed it though and that is a problem. A different problem is all the things she’s shared seem so foreign to me. Like trying to read a book in mandarin. I see her light and want to know how to create my own and instead I brought darkness.

As right as she is about so much one thing is wrong. A slave I am. Ready to serve? Fuck no but that doesn’t change who I am. Who I am must change, but not that.

She’s got me examining my whole fucking life right now. It’s a part of why I said yes. This is what I wanted. I didn’t expect THIS but this is what I asked the universe for and she’s delivered. What I ask for tonight is the ability to bring peace and joy. It isn’t going to erase what I’ve done but it can mitigate ongoing harm.

Aphrodite Brown

• Editor’s Note —- the above was completed while still sleeping at the Summer House. The below is completed on the date of publishing

I feel some type of way revisiting this post. I see the confusion and pain related to this moment in time and I also have the vizion of hindsight to see that it was not all black and white and not all as I was typing that day or night.

Many mistakes were made in this case. Some mine some hers, and neither of us is going to move a lot on where we went wrong. I’ve debated in all of the time after wondering if a conversation could settle things and create settlement, but I always land on the instinct that it is fine to let things be. The energy spent to revisit this is not energy I wish to exert for results which won’t change much.

I meant those words above. I did ‘fuck up’ but not completely in the ways I thought when I typed this entry the first time.

What could I have done different?

I could have negotiated better. I saw a simple exit and thought to myself that I / we would figure it out as we went along. We never did.

I could have asked for clarity on expectations. I am good at all that I offered, people after her could testify to that if needed, but it is not needed. I don’t have to prove to her that I can do it, because the point of the matter is that it was not proven to her at that time to her expectations.

I could have explained that I was not comfortable with being groomed. That would open the conversation and in this moment I don’t need to have that conversation. That might change but I actually doubt that it will. The only reason to have the conversation is to validate that my opinion is correct and I have no desire for that.

I could have leaned more into the experience, but I shut down. I don’t regret shutting down in a sense because it would not have gone the same. Learning how to not shut down is still something I am figuring out and it a work in progress. With the Daddy person I don’t shut down, but I do hesitate from time to time and the fortune there is that it is less and less as we move along.

MM once sent me a text saying I needed the ovaries to clean where I shit. While she is not wrong, where I shit was my own pants. Can I make amends for how she felt? This is where I type I think I did. In the moment I apologized. I removed myself as quickly as I could. I respected her wishes and did not contact her again.

Do either of us want more than that? I don’t know. I am also not going to spend a moment more wondering. I will build on the lessons learned, I will continue to expand and grow. I will make other mistakes along the way. I will wish her peace. I will live.