The Daddy person frequents Reddit. The post here with the most views ever was posted on Reddit. I am not the target audience for Reddit but even a stopped clock, yada yada yada.

This is a question that I’ve asked myself a lot this week. A lot.

There is/was a situation that I once thought was a golden ticket for someone else and me. Turns out it was just yellow shit and the stench of it weighs on me.

I have to ask myself that because someone else is hurting. This is not the first time someone I gave a shit about is feeling pain as the result of my actions, which makes me ask the question. I ask the question wondering if there is something about me which does this. The simplest answer is yes. I am the common denominator as the saying goes. Is it just me though? Am I the one responsible, or am I the one attracting this? Am I the source?

Again the simple answer would be yes.

I want to say that it is more complicated than that, and it is but I still have to ask myself these questions.

While I closed the conversation on the Summer House there are similarities here. I won’t revisit the Summer House but I am asking a question about now.

What did I bring to the table? What did I offer and what did I deliver?

What I offered was what I did. To my own physical and mental detriment. I wasn’t prepared for the trigger. Few people are because you don’t necessarily know you have a trigger until it is tripped.

I fought through it though, digging to the deepest part of me. What it took for me to power through was an effort I would not give to a regular person, only someone who matters to me. I did power through though and showed up again. Not only did I show up again, I still delivered. It was not enough.

Could I have communicated more? Always. Was it only MY responsibility? Absolutely not.

We are at the point of the program where I tighten up. Where I shut down. Where the price of moving one more step is too much for me to pay. My obstinance in choosing to not pay that price will dead this relationship. Is that what I want? Not necessarily but the cost of preserving it is beyond what I have in the bank.

She’s made it clear that she doesn’t ‘respect’ my approach. Okay.

While you aren’t respecting it, I also understand that this is what is best for me, and I have to prioritize me.

She’s assuming due to my position that she doesn’t matter. While she is wrong, I am doing almost nothing to correct that thought. THAT is learned behavior. That is the residual of Esther. I’d be a millionaire if I had a dollar for every time Esther leapt to a conclusion that was incorrect. I learned early on that attempting to alter her conclusions was futile and stopped trying. It never hurt less that she could not and would not SEE me, but I did stop trying. That I’ve taken into the rest of life. I present and do not allow myself to worry about your interpretation of that presentation.

Could I show her differently that I matter? Yes. Will I? Unlikely. I don’t want to have the conversation about where she failed. Why I reacted the way I did. Why should I?

She said I did not apologize. She is wrong.

She says she has to preserve her space and mental health. I must also protect mine. What I have to get done these next 3-4 weeks means I need every mental spoon and some fortune. I can’t necessarily control the fortune but I can withhold the spoons. By the time I am through this, I don’t know that I will care enough to try to settle this out. I do love her and give a damn, but I also saw a version of her I would rather have not seen. I’ve made a judgment which perhaps wasn’t mine to make but it is made. I know that place she lives. I was there and a part of why I needed to exit was how similar to her current status is to where I was right before the incident. I cannot be at that place, even tangentially. Yet I still tried.

It was that last day. Even though I knew we were going to end, I have to take responsibility for how it ended. I ran. Could I have done it differently? Should I have? Yes to both. I looked at what the afternoon would look like, I looked at what it would cost me and took an axe to the situation which more than likely required a scalpel. Or a pair of safety scissors. What I did instead was lob off everything and the blood is still pouring out.

In the aftermath of this I have to find my peace with my choice. In the aftermath I cannot be there to mitigate her pain. I have to face the reality that in the end there will be one more person on the planet who doesn’t think I did right by them. Do I think that is the question?

I can be honest that I did as much as I could while I was there. I can be honest and say when I determined it was no longer of service to me that I did nothing to mend it. My weight will be knowing I did nothing to mend it. Hers I will not define it, that is not my place.

Yesterday I closed another book, I sent a message to Crystal. I don’t know if she will read or respond but her response is not necessary. I sent it on her birthday. She should be reminded of what she did and why she is dead to me. It might open another can of worms, I am prepared for that though.

My physical pain persists, and I need to figure that out.

I am closing things out one by one. The next week will be a challenge but it gets smoother.

Forward Darling Nikki.