Transcript from Writing Group
WAR
The only thing that prompt clicks is the song, what is it good for, absolutely nothing. I could talk about the war on drugs. The wars after 9/11 this is only a 10 minute free write though. I could talk about the war within me but I am not sure where to begin that. Feels like I have a multiple of these ongoing at the moment and I don’t necessarily wisht o grab them all and define them on less than 1 cup of coffee.
I am in a war today about going outside. I will because I don’t want 2 days without meds but if my mind is not playing tricks on me there were no dreams last night. I can’t recall and that is a blessing. Bothe the question will me do they come back when I revisit the meds tonight. I will find out.
Those dreams aren’t unlike a war within my brain. You can’t bury things forever. I am pretty good at it but even I haven’t figured out forever. Like when Sea shared the retrieval of the male child, there is a lot about my day to day daily life that once it happens I no longer hold close.
That can be a side effect of War, that my brain in choosing to protect me erases that which could hurt but it also takes away the joy. That is one thing that I can admit now joy happened and joy will happen
I wonder at times about that missed – time. On the surface I know that it was lived.
FIGHTING WORDS
I love you.
If those are not fighting words I don’t know what is.
My biologicals might have loved me, I will never know.
Esther and Lewis said they loved me and with Esther at least I know she tried her best. Lewis? Shrug.
Kevin said he loved me.
Kahlil said he loved me.
Anthony said he loved me.
Eddie said he loved me.
Arnette said he loved me.
Andrea said she loved me.
The sum result of all that ‘love’ was the woman who needed to punch her way out of the dark seven years ago.
Daddy says he loves me. His display of that is normally to write a check.
Is this was loving me looks like? Am I a bunch of commas and zeroes?
He also likes to stick his dick inside of me.
Am I commas and zeroes and cum?
What does loving me look like? I don’t know that I can answer that question. While I PROTECT me fairly well I do not know if I love me.
I am writing this while pulling on a Marlboro is that love?
Wouldn’t the things I have to do for my physical health be ‘easier’ if I loved me?
It seems the simple answer is yes except I am not doing them so what/where is the break? [note to self to bring this up with the therapist]
SPACE
A space where Nicole loves herself. What does that look like? It would be easy to write what the world says it should look like. Is that what I believe? No simple answer there are but are there ever with it comes to me? I think space and I think health. Healthy Nicole is an odd concept. As I write this my back is already throbbing and I am curious if this is just that chronic pain returning for me or something worse. [note to self on next steps there were 2 and I completed one] Am I done writing about space now?
PEACE
Is that something on the horizon for me? For reference the horizon is 1 second from now until the last breath. Yes. I will have peace. I deserve it and can create it. The absence of conflict. The absence of crisis and chaos. The place where I will go without turmoil [illegible word] and I can say NO ——–or yes. d I currently have it? Sort of but I want more. What I also want is for that place to exist both with Daddy and outside of him. Is that possible? Yes. And I am done writing about peace for the moment although a revisit is possible but now…coffee.
Smile Jessica Jones.
Outside
fuck outside