I am sure that if I poured through the posts here I could find multiple examples of my prior frustration with coordinating this move. Some of those were: I can’t understand why ____. I have a better understanding of that now, and while I may not like it understanding does not require like.

I could literally be weeks away, shit days away. As the calendar pages turn and November gives way to December I dare to allow myself the dream that 2021 is still possible, and it is. January-February is much more likely but 30 days or less could still happen.

I understand his need to see me do what I’ve done. We are both people who base our activity on what’s happened in the past, the rules we’ve set for our relationships as the result of that. I get that while he does love me, there are things that go beyond love. I am the same in that sense, that love is not all it takes for me to make this commitment. Love does soften some edges and give space for grace, but it is not all that it takes to allow me to go all in. That opportunity was squandered by someone who came before him, and in hindsight that is not all that bad. It taught me to identify what I would need and to identify acceptable examples of behavior.

He is in that place as well. In my head I think I’ve resolved my past relationships a little better, in the sense that I don’t repeat to him my experiences as lessons he must now learn. He is different from me in that way though, and I accept him. I could go without ever hearing the name of the ex wife again, except we share that name so – shrug.

There is a saying that actions speak louder than words and while he could have made this happen for us sooner, that doesn’t protect him. I’d like him to understand he doesn’t need protection from ME but that is his reality he must meet in his own time.

He needed to see my determination, my problem solving, my innovation, my process. Along the way he also got to see my pain, my trauma, my anxiety. Mostly though he got to see that my words weren’t just uttered that they have meaning, and that I will do that which I must to deliver that which I promised.

I take that seriously and in the infrequent times I cannot deliver the guilt can paralyze me.

I needed to learn how to move through the guilt and to stop accepting the responsibility for the entire world onto my strong but not infinitely strong shoulders.

That if for some reason what I planned is not what happens that the world does not stop rotating and there is no shame to trying again, or —- letting it go.

The woman who is about to make this trip is so different that the one I used to look at in the mirror. The woman who actually makes the trip is different than the one who types this today.

I have made one decision, I am going to drive it. While I am not driving in the way I hoped I would, I am still driving it. That created a question to me of my route. I can take 2 weeks and do a tour of people and places or I can take 4 days and pedal to the metal it.

I don’t know which will be necessary but that will be based on things I don’t yet have the answer for, and even when I do I have to be able to adjust and adapt.

I’ve asked the universe to make sure I can stay 4 days in Texas though. I need spoon time.