CHAOS

What is chaos? It is a term I’ve used to describe my life existence but if it were accurate once it no longer is.

I may not be military order and structure but I am no longer chaos. Is chaos a bad thing? There are negative connotations to the word but my gut says it ain’t all bad. While could look up the definition right now I won’t instead let’s look at the life of Nicole at the moment.

No chaos. There is a plan. There is structure there is flexibility to adapt to variables. What would cause chaos right now? Frankly abandoning everything I’ve done and learned. That won’t happen today or tomorrow though so my question is: Is this the moment in my life where I abandon the idea of chaos and follow ‘the plan’.

I cannot say I’ve ever had a life plan outside of my occasional this is the shit I know I will NOT be doing. Everything else is a matter of let’s roll with it and see what happens. What’s happened so far is a lot of WTF but now? No chaos. Does the absence of chaos mean the introduction of something else? If so what?

For me the unknown is scary as fuck. Knowing is also scary as fuck. The idea that without chaos something new will take it’s place has me out here almost not wanting it…..almost.

NONSENSE

Another word that in my head I feel I know the definition but in reality I cannot say it. NONSENSE I think most who know me would call me logical, or at least would concede that I can explain logically. I don’t do that which makes sense at times though. I leap in without testing the depth. Sometimes I float. Sometimes I swim At times I come close to drowning.

Daddy’s presence means I won’t ever drown. Perhaps that means it is now time to learn to swim properly. With the confidence which comes with that what am I capable of? The answer is anything. The question to me is what will it take for me to believe that? I could keep going and force the universe to teach me the lesson, or I could admit I know it and love life. There are moments and times I think I do then there are moments like Blakemore St which tell me I don’t got it. I do though. I separated myself from that. It wasn’t pretty but it happened. I am moving to California. I got it. Yet I think of my last few days and the fixation on Heartwood and I think that I might not.

NON SENSE – CHAOS – NON LINEAR STORY

Once upon a time there was a girl names Nicole who wanted someone to love her.

In the middle of that prompt and writing she is also sending text messages to the person who finally does love her.

Nicole tried it out as a kid always pushing striving thrusting

Now when she thinks of thrusting it is in the naked carnal way, the primal way in which she connects to her person.

She did the chores did the homework and spent the rest of the time waiting for recognition. Waiting for acceptance. Waiting for approval which never arrived from those who she sought it from the women responsible.

Now she has it in total from a man the type of man she should run away from who is the exact opposite of all she’s built herself to be

Yet the childhood lessons in there consistency and conflict still remain

You don’t need a man men are not reliable but you will have a husband. The adult doesn’t even like men all that much. She’s afraid of women.

The child is attracted to feminine energy yet she doesn’t like girls at all the adult questions how she will display love if there a different way than intercourse type language the child hears the words of the brother that he loves her and has to check to see if her panties are wet the adult flashes like Sharon Stone reminding the one she loves it is always open for his use and his pleasure after all pleasure is the priority the child sits with a can of Chey Boyardee Beef Ravioli wishing for anything else but the silence and loneliness the adult doesn’t get lonely the adult doesn’t need until along came the man who quickly became all that she needed almost as much as oxygen the flip back and forth the memories coming and going the triggering emotions and questions faster stronger weaker overwhelming back breaking freeing

SCREAM