Designated Survivor

That is the show I am finally watching on Netflix. Funny that I am seeing a vizion of myself in the moment.

In the smoke and the ashes of 10/31/2014 I am all that is left of the ‘Burton’ family. It’s weird sort of but still what is left.

By 10/31 it was just Nicole Kahlil and Esther. das it

Esther wasn’t a choice in a sense a means to an end. While it was the right thing to do I would not have chosen this and her.

Kahlil was much different in that he was a choice yet that choice was from the most selfish of motives and reasons.

I did not want to be alone and I wanted someone to love me.

I couldn’t know his special needs yet it was those needs which set this off …sort of.

That choices I made caused pain to both of them. I can’t ever alter or change that. I will eventually forgive myself for what which I caused. I’m not sure today is that day but it will happen. I can’t flagellate myself forever. I can remind myself that I gave love and security and it was not all terrible.

What challenges me is that wide open future. That future where anything is possible. It is so foreign to me. I feel like I’d have to go back to being a toddler to recall what that looks like and a toddler can’t tie shoes let alone imagine a world without limits and restrictions.

Toddlers want food and to lick windows they aren’t worried about the future they have no concept of time. Also no concept of failure.

I do. I understand all the bad that can happen. What I need is to figure out what the good looks like. I’ve conditioned myself for the opposite for…well shit all of my life really.