PROCRASTINATION AND CONFLICT

sigh

I am kinda unique in that I avoid conflict in personal relationships yet I always want to fight the world this last week is an example.

I avoided conversation we could have had. I delayed the sitting down part of this why?

A part was that I waited for a conversation initiation from her that never arrived. It feels like she was as well. We went 2 weeks walking around one another instead of anything else conflict

I avoided conflict with her but that never addressed the conflict within me. I had to deal with real issues and I am still dealing with them the nightmares have not stopped.

My conflict is that chapter of my life I told myself was done and resolved apparently is not. The date of settlement means I get to say ‘good bye’ to my son. I won’t ever be happy about how we separated – ever. I will be moving after he is placed so I can tell him that he is loved and mommy is going away ‘for good’. That I am okay with Esther not so much. I may go and say good bye but more likely is I will just roll but the time with ____ has opened those wounds I must now shut

fuck

OVERDUE LETTER

Dear ___

I am on my way. Our road was difficult our challenges many. I am on the way though. I have fears but the idea of joy living with you battles most of those fears and wins!

I didn’t know you’d be my beloved when I first met you. I simply reacted the way my body responded and did not realize all these years later it would result in this. I should never have spoken to you – girl code etc etc etc I think it was Waffles saying that ___ colored that raised an eyebrow which has never dropped. I do worry some about the day to day but I am the worrier you are the fixer. As long as I stay focused I am pretty sure I will be the happiest and most spoiled and loved baby girl on earth. I want that. I want you and I am on my way.

I love you Daddy

signed darling nikki

FIRE

Fire can be cleansing destructive fire requires oxygen or it dies

My love is all fire all passion all consuming I am his oxygen which is why we work so well.

Shango/Oya

I am also fire though I level that which doesn’t serve me

who what where is MY oxygen what allows me to [unreadable word]

love is my oxygen

I am loved though so why do I not burn? Maybe I need more than love but what?

admiration acceptance acknowledgment spotlight

I cannot discern an answer in this moment but this might be a good prompt for therapy I am in a ‘good’ space I want to stay here build expand consume

That word keeps popping up so maybe that can be the prompt?

I want pancakes with Daddy!

*edit*

there should be an edit button on life right? a backspace a I really did not mean to do that so may I have some white out to fix it?

What that edit button what changes? Am I not the sum of all that I wish I could backspace? I am! Would I be the woman I am without it? No.

Yet I do think that I would avoid the pain and the trauma I would spare myself the anger and the depression.

Who would I be with joy? Sustained joy? While I cannot point to history I am about to find out. that is the hope nd dream anyhow maybe

What does happiness for me look like?

Will I settle for it? into it? will I steal oxygen and ask for more?

Can I burn slow and even like a DuraFlame? Will I sear and char the earth like a wildfire?

No remorse consume