One of the things about this journey, or at least this point of the journey, is that I realize along the walk how much living I haven’t actually done. In conversations with the people I still talk to I frequently drop the phrase or say something like this is the first time I’ve done ___.

Lots of experiences I haven’t had, or I am having for the first time.

In a conversation with the Daddy person we were discussing what I would ‘do’ yesterday, Sunday. I am at a moment in time where I am waiting to hear the apartment application is accepted and setting a move date. Other than that there are no pressing or needed things on the to do list, everything was optional. I went through the things I could do, and realized for the first time since Clyde took up residence in the uterus I used to have, that I wasn’t worried about the budget. All the accounts that need addressing are at zero. There are other things I need to put into action and I will, but the juggling I’ve done the last year are over.

I actually went into each one thinking I must have missed something yet I had not. All items are clear through January.

It put me in a position where I needed to examine what the new monthly budget will be. It gave me the idea that if I adjust my monthly output there really might be, possibly, maybe, room for a car payment as well.

Do I want a car payment? Not really but planning now means I can put that onto the table.

I reviewed all the expenses and made the decision to go annual on some subscriptions. Seems like such a little thing, or something that everyone else on earth but me was able to figure out. When I look at life after CCIS the reality was there was NOT room to make it happen.

Choosing to care for Bonnie and Clyde full time reduced my income to the point that I was stagnant and movement was difficult. When that got combined with the unexpected financial burdens that seemed to just keep coming from valerie it took creative budgeting to figure out how to eat most months.

After the incident the first position I was able to get paid me about $9 an hour, and it was part time. How far is that from the corner office, expense account and company car?

I battled through, I worked harder that I likely should have for companies that did not appreciate what I brought to the table. It was about restoration and rebuilding. It was about relearning the 40 hour week and how to interact with coworkers.

Now it is about the life I didn’t get to have and yes that is quite overwhelming. It is welcome though, and overdue.

Having the ability to look at the current needs and the ability to meet them I expressed felt surreal. We discussed what the drive will look like, made some decisions about the route, and discussed financing that I might not have to tap into savings. Then I took a deep breath and realized I said the word savings.

Extracting myself from the financial ruin from the 7 years and after the incident is still happening. I recall the credit score that I used to have and the flexibility I didn’t appreciate. That is not a thing today. I can pack, I can PAY someone to pack and clean. I can make the drive and handle the expenses. I can pay all the deposits and buy a bed and table. I can get some pots and pans and not eat on paper plates. I might still eat on paper plates but assuming the application is approved I will have a dishwasher. Not a kid but an appliance.

I can get a real desk to put my real chair against and not panic about what I will need to sacrifice this month.

It’s me though, so there are thoughts that I will figure out how to spend. Champagne taste on a tap water budget, except the budget now allows for a Pepsi, maybe even some ice cream.

I can even buy the vacuum cleaner I will need and not settle for the $20 light sweeper.

I can take the items I have on auto delivery off hold and when I have the new address they can arrive, without me worrying about if it will make the account negative.

I will even be able to pay for the certification.

When everything is unpacked and I am ‘settled’ I can hand over that 2nd set of keys and finally say I am home. My home, my way.

Makes me want to leave today to begin that life, but a few days more are required because I have 2 things left here in Philly to close out.

I am a fortunate girl.