I recall in the early spring of 2020 when the world shut down and I thought I was built for that moment. I was, then. It took months and months and months for the isolation to hit me, and that was primarily because I was missing the Daddy person. Then the little one came along and I no longer wanted to be alone.

I struggled though because I built a version of myself which was designed to operate with the fewest number of connections possible. Move through life as an island, trust and love no one. Rely on no one. Other people bad, just me good.

That is not my current station in life and while it is frightening it is also welcome. I can say without reserve that it is welcome. Forward.

I’ve met people and liked people. I’ve formed surface connections. I’ve deepened some of those surface to friendship and love, yet I’ve managed to keep most at a distance. Those who I allowed closer have made me better. I hope that I’ve made them better as well but that is not my story to tell. If others decide to share? Then I hope their truth matches my own.

After the battle of the former employer, being ‘home’ for 2 years, COVID and general agoraphobia which was in place before all of that, outside was a no.

It was really going out to ___ that altered that and I am grateful beyond words. I would rather have not had to experience the other side effects, but those too were needed in a sense to deal with some shit I’d put off.

Trying to get outside when I returned to Philly was a lot, overwhelming is a word. Something as simple as a doctor’s appointment would threaten an anxiety attack. I actually had one during my 2nd trip to the supermarket in June of last year.

After that doing anything other than heading to the corner store would create such chaos within me.

I cancelled most outside and figured out how to do everything within these 4 walls. Zoom was how I spoke to other people, and I made sure most of those people were conditioned to see me naked. Look, if I am home I am unlikely to be wearing clothes and that was not going to change because video call.

As vaccines became a thing, I convinced myself I still did not need outside. I’d talk to the Daddy person who was out doing drone stuff with drone people and mask my disapproval. Outside is still broken I would think, why is he outside.

I even stopped writing on the porch. The reality is that I never did get a citronella candle and I wasn’t interested in being mosquito dinner. My fresh air and sunshine was pretty non existent in 2021.

After the former deadline passed, and the depression began to solidify like concrete around my thoughts and movements, it got worse and outside hurt. Ironically it was also when I wanted to be outside the most. Wanting something that I could not have.

I told myself that I would do something simple like go to a movie. Amazon said I got you. I told myself I needed new sneakers, my wallet said fuck your feelings. No matter what I thought I would do to get out of the house, I found a way to not do it unless it was medically necessary, and even some of the medically necessary stuff I skipped.

Then I had to battle and fight that to do something and I did. The collateral damage of that is more that I wanted but it is done.

Now I can go outside.

I got on the train and I went to New Jersey. I got in a car with the bestie and went to a steak house. I bought online tickets for Spider-Man. I don’t have to fight myself other than general discomfort at putting on clothes and a bra.

I don’t take extra chances though, which has altered my cross country trip.

I thought I’d take 2-3 weeks and extend it out. Stops in Maryland, Virginia, Georgia, Texas, Arizona, So Cal.

The Omarion popped up and I looked at all those red states and said nope. I’m Post to be in California, that doesn’t mean I need to do that dance with COVIDb2k.

I do have some melancholy that there will be no stops in Austin and Houston, but I will trust other opportunities will present themselves.

The big picture is getting there, safely.

The Daddy person is worried about me driving alone. I get it, but I also got it. I won’t make the trip in 4 days most likely but I don’t have to and that is a luxury that I didn’t know I needed.

This really still could happen by the end of the year. Fuck.