If you’ve met me you know that I was a Sex and the City fan. I didn’t care that there were no people who looked like me, I still saw myself in the women on the screen. They were living the life I always thought that I wanted, single and fabulous in Manhattan, with shoe closets and disposable income. I was a combination of Carrie and Samantha, which when you think about the real life conflict with the two actresses makes even more sense.

One of the things about this free time I have is that I need background noise and currently it is the re-watch of Sex and the City. I am in season 3 currently, when Carrie visits Los Angeles. Somehow this is also fitting of the moment. I might not be Los Angeles bound but California here I come.

The Daddy person asked what was on the agenda for the day and I was far too honest when I said almost nothing. I have a Zoom in about 30 minutes and I did the housework and now there is almost nothing I need to do. In theory I could job search but it is Saturday and I want to not think about what comes next for about 24 hours.

So instead I am here doing my Carrie Bradshaw impression, at the keyboard, typing out the thoughts in my head. Thinking about relationships, and love, and sex. Thinking about and attempting to imagine what the new life is going to look like. Listening to Charlotte the one I connected with the least, as she ran away from her marriage that she ran into because she *needed* to be married so much that she didn’t fuck Trey before she said I do and then realized he was impotent.

The series was problematic but it still was on my watch list, as is the reboot. The reboot is less resonating and it might be about missing Samantha. The woman who made the most sense to me is not there, and the happily ever after Carrie and Big had ended with a whimper.

I ask myself what this looks like, as I do. Comparing myself to fictional characters, wondering why my life doesn’t have Jimmy Choo shoes and I don’t have a 20 inch waist.

While I might mimic the typing of Carrie, her life is not mine. If for no other reason the tale of her and Big no longer connects to me. Once upon a time I thought Grant and I might be that star crossed couple who would eventually get it right and live happily ever after. That is not my reality and it never was. He was never my happily ever after no matter how much I tried to make it happen. That was never my fault. I brought all of me to the table and he brought ….not the same energy.

What I have now is so different. It isn’t the happy I thought I would have, it is nothing that I would have pictured. He is not the man I pictured, rather he is the one I need. Need him I do, more that I like to admit at times, even though he absolutely knows. We’ve spoken, he and I, the last few days about the happy we both deserve. We walked into this in 2019 not knowing that 2020 would stop the world, that 2021 would be do full of the challenges it presented to us. This time of year is hard on him, and I want to be there. Well I always want to be there but especially when he is having these experiences. He called me his respite, and he is mine.

I will never allow him to live down that I asked him, he will always take credit and share that we weren’t a thing until he said yes. The yes happened though and in the past 2 years we’ve managed to make a bond that only the 2 of us could sever, and I find comfort that neither of us wants to sever.

We talk and both express that this moment is one of the hardest. We are both closer than we’ve ever been and farther at the same time.

Carrie eventually broke Aidan’s heart, fell into a relationship with the Russian before Big showed up in Paris [after marrying another woman] and ‘claimed’ her. My story doesn’t end that way.

Even though rumors of the divorce might not be wholly accurate, I am no longer waiting for Grant to come to his senses and say Nicole you are the one. He made his choices and I’ve made mine.

I remember a time in the past when I planned a trip West to begin a life with Grant. That was 2007 and it all changed that year. I was so different then, and I can express that I am thankful that was not the path I took.

In 2021/2022 I am headed West, this time with a real plan, a real man and real goals which can be done.

I also know that if for some reason not yet disclosed this relationship ends, I can still live life there.

I will do all within my power to preserve the two of us, magical us, but should something else happen, I got this.

I keep getting emails from thumbtack and I’ve put off answering them. The Zoom has come and gone and I am reminded of that in this moment, there is more work to be done.

I don’t fear the work, which is a strange thing for me to type when you listen to me say all of the other things I am afraid of, the list which never gets everything crossed off.

When I get the green light from the apartment complex the countdown can begin. When the countdown ends I will officially be a transplant. What’s super about that is not only is he there but my little one is as well. I will be minutes away from the ferry, and her.

Carrie is known for saying …and just like that except in life it is rarely such. Well in my life it is rarely such. This point in time came from and manifested after literally decades. It wasn’t a fluke. It was years of a series of people places and things which all converged to make right now happen.

Right now means changing my zip code. The even better thing is that I don’t have to change my phone number, the technology exists which allows me to still be 267, and not end those connections which contributed to the Nicole who exists, and the Nicole about to be.

Carrie wrote a bunch of books and married a rich man.

I’m not getting married but the books are still a thing. If for some reason the books do not become a thing? Vizionz will always be here. And just like that for the first time – ever – I don’t have to worry about web hosting for a calendar year.