There is a saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. So the first thing about that is you have to believe in hell, an afterlife location were torture exists never ending. It also requires the belief that good intentions don’t create good results.

I live my life currently with the concept that good intentions create good results. Every time? No. There are way too many variables to create good intentions and results every time. Walking through life with good intentions though is not a bad thing.

The Daddy person and I had this conversation a few days ago. I was sharing some thoughts…concerns. I was having a moment of doubt in me. I was asking myself what new way could I possibly fuck this up and everything that we’ve be wanting for the past 2 years would topple. I don’t have many of those moments any more but they still happen. The Daddy person in his way reminded me that intentions matter, and my intentions currently are positive.

Then I woke up on Christmas Eve which just happens to be today, and I didn’t have those concerns.

As I think back to my conversations with the Daddy person yesterday, the girl who spoke was quite different than the girl who needed to be reminded of intentions.

The apartment we chose doesn’t look like it is going to happen. Never say never etc etc, but the price we set is not the price of the apartment. The Internet fucked it up somehow and its almost $500 outside of budget. That doesn’t sound like a lot of money, and assuming we both get the positions we interviewed for this week it is totally workable. I took the responsible position though and crossed the apartment off my list. Who is this Nicole? Making sound financial choices and being rational?

If I weren’t that Nicole we would have settled on Heartwood 3 weeks ago and I might be typing this from a patio instead of the dining room. We looked at the numbers and the budget and decided that Heartwood wasn’t within that budget and the apartment price is similar to Heartwood. It is not logical to me to spend that on a 1b 1ba, when Heartwood was a whole house, so we went back to the drawing board.

I was mildly annoyed. We’d submitted the application on 12/09 and I thought of all the listings that came and went since then. Then I reminded myself of intentions.

I am a girl who a few years ago would have told you nothing in life comes easy. That is no longer true for my life. Yes I have to work at some things. Yes there are challenges, but I can look at one aspect of my life and understand that everything doesn’t have to be hard. My relationship with the Daddy person is easy. Of course we have to maintain, and put in work but our attraction is easy. Our roles are easy. We are easy.

It occurred to me that even though the path to this moment was long and at times heartbreaking, the final step – selecting a home – will be ‘easy’. Heartwood and that apartment was not home. I reached out to a couple other locations yesterday, and me being me I fell in love with one of them. The only detraction is the rear yard is concrete and not grass but me being me that is not a big detraction at all. That feels like home, and if it is home then it will be easy. The cool thing about that new one is that it is a whole house.

Do I want a house? No. I want a home. Yet that location can be a home when the Daddy person pulls into the driveway.

It remains to be seen but I know that it will be easy.

That is a cool Christmas gift, easy. I deserve it. I am grateful for it.