This was the last time Christmas felt like Christmas to me. It was 2009 and Tiff and the girls were living with Bonnie & Clyde and I. This is what the house on Limekiln looked like before the incident. I can chuckle now at that white sofa in plastic and that television which was old as hell. This year the house was full of small children most of who were excited about the prospect of Santa Claus.

That was our tree before Onyx arrived and started sleeping in the tree and making it look less like a triangle.

I actually miss the fireplace. It was quite soothing to sit there when I got the family down and just relax. At the top of that photo on the fireplace is a photo of me. I no longer have that photo, or shit most of the items from Limekiln, but that doesn’t get rid of the memories.

The holidays have rarely been about me, in my head at least. As a girl about the age in the photo you can’t quite see Bonnie decided that our religion didn’t allow for the exchange of gifts for Christmas. It would be years later before I realized that she continued the tradition, it was just her way of not spending money on me.

When I was 7 and Crystal came along it started to sting because suddenly there was in person proof that Bonnie was full of shit as Christmas was celebrated for her and not me.

As a teen and in my early 20s it was more of an annoyance as I began to distance myself from the ‘family’.

When I lived on Godfrey Ave I bought a tree because I wanted one. I wanted the Xmas lights and to be surrounded with the visuals. I never spoke of the other reason, I thought that was going to be a space for Grant and I, and it’s “expected” the woman of the house decorate for the holidays. I was playing the good wife to my idea of a husband. That was never our reality though. We never got to spend even one real holiday together.

After I evicted Clyde from the uterus it became about him. Before he was diagnosed with Autism it was a new tradition that I wanted him to have. That was pretty much my parenting style, do any and everything Bonnie never did. When his diagnosis arrived by then he was fascinated with the tree and the lights. If I give it thought it makes more sense that he approved of my positive energy and love. The tree still went up though and while he always pulled the Autism card when it came to decorating, I know he appreciated the scene mommy set.

2014 was the first time without him and that was pretty fucking dark.

Years after the holidays weren’t worth celebrating in my head because there was no one to do it for, why on earth would I do it for myself?

Sometimes I didn’t have a home to decorate. Mostly though I was refusing to live life because I needed to be punished for allowing the incident to happen. I needed to suffer and not have hope or joy.

Last year was the first time I thought about it a little but I swiftly pushed that idea out of my head. This wasn’t home, this wasn’t me, and there was no reason to do the things. I was also in financial peril at times trying to figure out if I could buy food, fuck a Christmas tree.

2021 I woke this morning knowing it was Christmas but not realizing that it was Saturday. It’s still not festive here, no decorations or lights. Only 1 card arrived from my constant SeaGuy. I will most likely spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning my room and starting to pack. I will watch the little one open her gifts and delight in her giggles and smiles, lord I miss her.

The Daddy person is off to brunch later. I feel….okay. Just okay.

My time here in Philly is almost over, in literally days I will be in California. It is happening in a month that begins with J, just not June 2021. January 2022 I begin the new life. I smile that this is the last one I will spend 3000 miles from the Daddy, and try not to think about the 3000 miles I will be away from Clyde. It is simple in a sense that due to his Autism he doesn’t process the holidays the same way a neuro typical might. He is not missing out on Christmas because he doesn’t understand Christmas. What he is missing is the positive energy and love from me specifically, in his daily proximity but he wants for nothing else.

I haven’t heard back from the new place we put in the application for, I don’t expect to hear anything before Monday at the earliest. I have a gold jumpsuit I am wearing to a holiday event tomorrow. I am prepping for round 2 of my interview with the company. The packing supplies should be here Monday-ish, and I will start packing.

This time next year I will be in a place with Palm Trees. I’ve never celebrated Xmas anywhere but here in Philly.

I think about what it will be like next year. I’d like it to be on Tennessee Ave but I don’t yet know what the new address will be, and honestly I am not super concerned about it. I wonder if I will decorate. I think that I might. It is not like the Daddy or I “believe” in the holiday, or the reason. We don’t really do Xmas gifts, birthdays are our holiday. I picture the new space and I want to infuse it with the light and love that those pictures above don’t really capture. He won’t care one way or another, but I will.

If we end up on Narissa instead? I can picture him in the back yard on the grill because the climate will allow it. No more snow for us.

Next year there will most likely be a tree. That is not a bad thing. It means that I am living and loving and that is something I’ve denied myself for way too long.

It means that I can go back to the woman who makes a space for other people to smile and in the process smiles herself.

Turns out that Christmas is about me. It is about my ability to surround myself with love and demonstrate that with ornaments and lights. Seems like the simplest thing ever, so I’d ask myself why I have not done it since 2014. I know the answer though, and my response to that is: It is okay to let that go Nicole.

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