One of the things I’ve needed to consider as the final days of Philly complete is what kinky life looks like for me, for us. There is a school of thought, and people actually practice that kink can be picked up and put down to fit into the rest of your life. That works for some people but it will not work for me.

I am always kinky. I am always political. While it presents differently based on the surroundings, this is always me all the time.

I could wax poetically about my journey to being kinky. Shit I have more that once here. The point is that in this moment and all future moments, I am kinky – I am slave.

My journey is interesting and documented since the early 2000’s.

What I don’t think I ever considered was that it would lead me to Leather, that it would present the opportunities it has over time.

A Nicole fact is that I think I can ‘fix’ everything I know is broken. In truth it was a bit of escapism – if I spent enough time fixing the things around me I could ignore the shit I needed to fix within me. Obviously things have changed around me but that change is gradual and ongoing.

I remember when I met a young woman who shares my name. It was a MDHL meeting and she was young, energetic, beautiful and full of hope and passion. I watched her stand her ground in a room with easily 100+ years of experienced kinky and I thought ….I like her.

She brought an idea to an organization called BESS. It was to create a space exclusively for POC. This was before George Floyd, and our 2020 summer of unrest. Her dream became a real thing and I supported her dream. I remember thinking at that time, I want her to have the support because I suspect it will be rough for her. While instinct says she is strong enough to stand, I want her to have what I didn’t – knowledge that she didn’t have to stand alone.

After a year her life path led her away from her creation. At the time my life was also different, and I wasn’t sure of the trajectory it would take me. Then it took me to work to keep that vizion alive. The work I’ve put in for the POC SIG the past year + is super rewarding. I feel proud that were able to continue through the pandemic and for 2021 were the only active SIG. I am thankful for the discussions and presenters who graced our meetings and shared of themselves.

Along the way I took a seat on the BESS board. It was about me making sure that a Black voice remained on the board and helping to direct a course which included all voices or at the least a voice which was different than what the board contained.

I am also proud of the work done there, even if the road was less smoothly paved. Those monthly meetings were good and less good in the same time. There was progress and work done though and I can’t ignore that.

We had nominations a month ago and I took another shot at the Board. I had more work to do I thought. I had to also figure out what being on the board of a Baltimore based organization looked like knowing that moving was imminent. I expected that I could do it, that it would not be different than what I was doing currently. The Daddy person chose not to influence one way or another, outside of reminding me that it needs to not be in conflict with our goals.

Turns out….it is in conflict.

Could I still do it all? I could – the past few years reminded me that I can do anything. Did I still want to? That is a little more difficult to measure. Would it best serve the relationship and the organization. That is simple – no.

The work and commitment needed does not serve my relationship. It would not kill it but it would not help it. While similar work in the future will happen, this particular set of events doesn’t need my input. The organization does need my unique POV but the reality is that it existed before me and will after me.

I debated it but in the end the resignation was submitted.

I tried to recruit someone to ‘replace’ me for the POC SIG. Conversations went well but we were not able to reach an agreement before I needed to decide. The person I selected would have been amazing and frankly had I gotten them on board I would not have stepped down from the SIG. I selected this person because the 2 of us would have created something uber special. That remains true and doesn’t require this group to make that happen.

While I am not yet familiar with all the groups near my new home, I will find another group. Multiple most likely. I might not even seek ‘leadership’ in them because one does not need a title to lead.

At this point I am singular focused on moving and setting up. That means moving away from BESS today.