In 24 hours I will be watching the people I hired load the truck. It is done. The utilities are set up, the lease is signed, the keys are scheduled to be picked up by the Daddy person tomorrow afternoon. I have a new home.

I thought when I sat to write this I would have more ‘feelings’. I actually do, I just have a shit load more packing to do so I am tempering my emotions. They will come though and when they do I hope to be able to manage them appropriately.

In a sense it still doesn’t feel real, but that is me being me and not able to allow myself to celebrate ….yet. Regardless of my maladjustment, this is happening.

This time on a regular Sunday I would be in writing group pounding out some emotion of the last week trying to figure out what new glitch was in my Matrix. Instead I am having coffee on this last East Coast Sunday as the rain falls and washes away the last traces of the snow from this week.

No more snow for me.

I look at this living room which is semi populated with boxes and bags and remind myself that after tomorrow it is not my living room any more. This table I am typing at is no longer where I will eat meals. That claw foot tub is not where I shower any more, and I am going to have to get a new bidet for my new toilet.

The little one is super excited, NiNi is coming. She’s already packing stuff she wants me to have and I love her for it, I just want her to relax and recover instead of trying to take care of me. She won’t though, and even if I fuss she will pay me no mind. We will have this year together in proximity before she has to make these changes herself. I will be there though when she does, she won’t be alone like I am. Before then though we will be a short drive or ferry ride away from each other. Shit I could see her everyday. I won’t because life, and work and visits from her family but I will be able to reach out and touch my little one after pretty much a year of loving her through Portal. I finally get to show her in person day to day NiNi.

The work situation is actually shaping up pretty well. Although I won’t be able to take one position because I will be traveling I have 2 more who have said please call us the moment you arrive. I have a 3rd which is a position I thought I would never do again. In a sense I am not, because I am not doing it here. Yet I can look at the overall of the position and see the difference in 49 year old me and 22 year old me and think….I got this.

Everything I hated at 22 is super fucking attractive at 49 and should this pan out it solidifies my residency in ways I can’t describe coherently here.

I keep looking at the 2 government names on the lease and in wonder think who knew? Neither of us could have known back in the early 2000’s when we met we’d be here, but thankful we both are. The Daddy person and me.

This week I asked myself what the fuck are you doing moving across country to be with a man. Then I reminded myself the man is there but this is not 100% about him. While he is the main attraction, this is for me. I’ve questioned and doubted myself. I’ve punished and denied myself. Now I live. Period.

It isn’t the 2br like Heartwood. It doesn’t have the same charm as Lassen. It is mine though. Yes his name is also on the lease, but that is more the promise between us and our commitment to us than claiming the household. This is my home, where I will rest my head and tired feet at the end of a work day. Where I won’t have to be accountable to anyone else but me. Where my vizion of what my life can be manifests into reality.

He is absolutely a part of that, a huge part. This is Nicole’s journey though.

I had my last Philly Cheesesteak yesterday. My colon is not amused. I thought I’d do a tour of the city but I don’t think I will. I’ve seen every corner of this city I was born in, and the things I need to see are in my future not my past.

My Clyde is being released from the hospital tomorrow, and thanks to B2K-Covid I can’t kiss him good bye. That might be just as well though. Also thanks toB2K I can’t hug the bestie, but I will save her hug for her first of many visits.

I look at the room and think I still have so much to fucking do, yet I do not. Only 1 closet is left and the disassemble of the bed frame. Since I am paying someone to handle that, when I go to sleep tonight, my portion of the work is done. I simply need to wake, shower and go get the truck tomorrow and it’s a wrap.

I took a 10 day rental so I can take my time and not stress it. I considered shipping and flying out, but the #s did not make sense to me.

700SQ ft. in unit w/d enclosed patio and the dreams of a girl who is finally about to live.

thank you Philadelphia and all the people and places within you that have gotten me to this moment. Thank you also to Charm City where I re-learned that this is something that I can actually do, and not feed into the narrative that this was beyond me.

Hello 94591