I am job searching currently and one of those positions requires a lengthy background check. One of the assessments took over 3 hours to complete. For reasons known to the investigators only some of those questions dealt with my sex life. Honestly? I felt a little judged by the questions but I answered them as clearly as possible.

I tossed a joke to the Daddy person that it was going to take a VERY LONG TIME to fill out one question which asked to list my romantic relationships since I was 16. It actually didn’t and in part it did not because of how many people turned out to be inconsequential to me. Of course some of it was that I could not remember some of their names but me being a ho was never not a thing….until now.

It took me on a trip down memory lane though and made me think about my former loves and had me wondering where some of them are now. One would be Kahlil, and I realized that I don’t care so much where and who and what he is doing now, as I would prefer to know with 100% certainty if the illness was real.

What illness you ask? The one he stated he had which took us down the path to final separation. He said it was serious. If I had the text messages from then I could type out the actual illness but it was lung related and he claimed it was serious to the point he would need a lung transplant. Along the way apparently, he fell in love with the wife/ex wife what ever she is to him. Yes it troubles me in a sense that while I was being loyal and clinging to the promises he made he was out there making his new life.

It made me think about the horrors that Andrea put me through.

It made me think about the I love yous to people like Reginald and as I type this for the life of me I cannot recall his last name in this moment. Seriously.

It also makes me grateful for the Daddy person. Yes I am super grateful for him even in moments like this where he is doing that which he must. I hate that he is going through this, and I hate how it impacts that which I’d gotten used to so quickly. I trust the process though, and I trust in us. We will get over this hump and be stronger, like every other one we’ve tackled. I truly think the 2 of us can conquer anything and anyone and anyplace.

It also made me ask some questions about what today and tomorrow looks like. As I thought about that I still have the optimism and hope which has been with me for some time. That is very important. One of the things I realize though is that I really have to let go of some things even if I do not want to let go.

I wrote about it in the personal journal, and realized concession and compliance are required here. I also asked myself if it will ALWAYS be me who does it. I asked myself if that turned out to be the case was I prepared to do that for the next 30 years. In this moment the answer is yes. I can’t say for tomorrow, because it has not yet arrived. I expect that answer to be yes tomorrow though.

This is a daily choice, and every day since November 2019 I’ve chosen us.