I think human beings underestimate the power of first. I had a first yesterday afternoon. It’s something that I’ve done before, it was just the first time with the Daddy person. Quite frankly, it might have been the best thing since I got here and a lot of good shit has happened since my arrival.

I am up much earlier than I need to be, so I am rocking with it and seeing what the day gives me.

No I am still not working. No I still don’t have my unemployment $. Yes I am annoyed as fuck about that. Yet there is much to enjoy and be thankful for so I sent that off to the attorney and I am doing that which I can to keep moving forward here.

I’ve referred to the Daddy having an issue at his house. I won’t ever disclose the details of that here, but I will share that things seem to be settling down some there. I am still not thrilled at the circumstances but what I am getting much better at is letting shit go that ain’t connected to me. That is his situation and while yes it does impact me in some ways, he is the one who must settle that. He will, and he is, and I marvel some at how he is navigating.

This is a first for me. Not stepping in to manipulate the outcome to my favor. I understand that I need do nothing, and even if my intervention was needed, it would undermine the past 2 years and I am not willing to do that.

Another first was I cried in front of the little one. In person. She’s seen my tears via video, this was the first time she’s seen them in person. I was overwhelmed and I tried to maintain my thug but my thug was defeated.

I looked out at the living room, slowly filling in with things. It’s basic, but beautiful in so many ways. The clean palate I will use to add color and personality moving forward. On Manheim St I had a similar clean palate. I still spent the entirety of my time there with clothes in bins and choosing not to unpack. I never bought living room furniture or made a large effort to make the space more habitable. It was supposed to be the place where Clyde and I were reunited, but other that our bedrooms nothing ever really got populated. Part of it was money related, another part was work related. I spent 6 days a week at Greyhound and finding the time to locate a sofa never really kicked in for me.

It was a place where I was supposed to restart my life and I never left the mentality that it would be taken from me. Eventually it was and I can’t be mad at the Universe doing that which I ‘asked’ it to do.

I wake up every morning here, in awe that I am living in California. In amazement that this is my apartment. I don’t have to ‘do’ anything or ‘answer’ to anyone or share space unless I want to share.

This weekend the little one and the Daddy plotted to get me a kitchen table. I was perfectly fine with my card table but they wanted to surprise me and they wanted to hurry the timeline to ‘home’ along a little faster. I didn’t cry when I found out. I wanted to but…thug.

The additional items were a wooden bench and table that I immediately thought will look great on the patio. They would, but as the weekend moved along I found other uses. The little one beamed as the furniture arrived. The Daddy stopped by to take a look. I maintained my thug.

I got to cook for her and she ate at that table. I got to make coffee for her and she worked at that table. She picked a spot to claim for herself and chuckled internally knowing that Daddy would pick the same spot, and had lascivious thoughts of convincing them to wrestle for the spot. They won’t but I will always be a pervert. She’s got her own honey and he’s got his hands full, so that won’t ever happen, but a girl can fantasize. Every time she’s here my heart is full, because she treats it like home. I just watch her sometimes in the kitchen or the bedroom walking about like she’s on the lease and I realize that I wanted this more than I ever wanted to admit to myself. I wanted to make a home where the people I love could feel at ease and at peace. She’s like that here and I cannot express how much it means to me. She smiles and giggles and she even walked into the living room naked once.

Yesterday the Daddy came by on lunch. He sat at the table – in the little one’s spot. He got to sit on the new sofa as well. I found it on Facebook and it was a price I could not resist, and the owner delivered. It was precisely what I wanted except the color but the color works with the other furniture. I can add color. I will add color but it was suddenly important to me that I finish out the basics in the living room. I needed one more thing to give them options. I have to admit that I needed this for myself as well. Since Manheim St I’ve lived a limited life. I’ve either refused to unpack or I chose places where unpacking wasn’t possible. I kept those bins full of clothes waiting for the moment I had to pack them up again. No roots. No tether. No home.

Don’t buy. Don’t accumulate you will just have to figure out how to move it again.

I was mentally still in a place where I did not think I deserved a home after losing the home where Bonnie and Clyde were separated.

That didn’t happen here though. Within a week I emptied every fucking bin. Every fucking one. They are in the outside storage closet, not because I expect them to be needed but because there is at least 1 more move in my future. I unpacked. I still haven’t finished the bedroom, but that is more about waiting for the right item to put in the bedroom vs a fear that this too will be taken from me. This feels like home. I am creating a home.

Now I can walk out into the living room and I have 3 places I can choose to have my coffee. This morning it is at the ‘desk’ as I type.

I can even see myself buying a TV. [well finding a used one at least]

There is food in the fridge and cabinets. There are DISHES in the cabinet. Cups, plates, silverware.

There is a little pink Keurig. There is a pink bread box.

I am even going to upgrade my queen size bed to a king.

I open the blinds every morning to sunshine and birds in the tree. There is even one little squirrel who gives me a head nod daily.

I know exactly how I will decorate the patio, and I am measuring for curtains and figuring out where I am going to put artwork.

This place will look and feel like me, but better because not only will I feel at home here, those I love will also.

This is a place where laughter will happen, and love will bounce off the walls.

I cried because I recalled Manheim St, and the hopes I had for it, and then it crashed and burned. I won’t crash here, I will thrive, I will live.

I am headed out in a little over 90 minutes for a drug test and within days I will have a new job title. The word SENIOR is in that title and I remember how I cursed the former employer for denying that word and salary to me. That is not my reality any longer.

I chose to put the desk in the living room. I will make things a little more crowded out here but I deserve to not have to broadcast from the same room where I sleep.

I’ve lived in basically 1 room since 2017, and now it is time to expand. Now it is time to live and I am not wasting a moment of it.

Daddy and I had our first on the sofa yesterday, but it was the first of many. There are still a ton of other firsts on the horizon and even though I just killed a spider, I am okay with it. All of it.