Okay. I do not like getting up at 5am. I got to sleep in until 7 today and that is much more my speed. It won’t be for the next couple weeks but the training class begins allegedly on the 28th.

I have to get ready to go take another pre employment screening but there is a sunbeam on my left arm which refuses to be ignored and I felt the need to talk about waking up in my apartment.

Ha. My apartment.

Even on the mornings when I am awake and the sun hasn’t yet risen I am still amazed that I have a home, a place.

I don’t ever want to lose that awe, but I feel like I need to. Well perhaps shift it. I don’t have to be in awe that I am in California and such, but I do have to let go of the idea that this is happening. It HAS happened.

Last night I came in and shed the bra and sat on the sofa in ‘his’ spot and thought, I need a TV. Immediately the warning bells went off. You will need more furniture, you will have one more bill, you can’t afford it etc

I eventually quieted those voices by sleeping but they still were present.

I am looking at that sunbeam and reminding myself that all of this is real and all of this can be sustained.

That is a hard lesson to learn or unlearn depending on how you view it.

I imagine the voice of the Daddy person and how he would walk me through this moment, an while I do I still glance at the ceiling fan and think it’s been 2 weeks since I dusted it. Dirty…..

There is a box that has to go to the dumpster which I’ve been too lazy to take….

I didn’t put up the Smirnoff from delivery last night and that box is out there too..,,,,nasty

I tell myself that none of that is true, that I am just living and living means the coasters won’t always be aligned but the voices continue.

I put down a rug and realize I need double side tape. I still need more and I keep telling myself this is bad that I need to slow down. Yet I really don’t.

I keep looking at the money I’ve spent to get here and build here and I keep thinking, what if you have to move? I don’t and won’t have to move though. In fact even though I thought I might not renew the lease the prospect of packing again is not my ministry not while I am teaching myself that this is home so no I need to let all of that go.

I hear the birds and see the sun. I am at the table, in MY spot [which is different than the spot the Daddy and the little one have claimed].

My pink Keurig has given me delicious coffee. Immediately I chuckle to the face of the Goddess when she grabbed a cup of my home brew and said she’d been slapped in the face. This would not slap you Ma’am.

I don’t want to shower and head out but traffic is hella fierce this time of day and I can’t be late.

It’s gonna be a bright sunshiney day and when I get back I will be home.