There is a song with that in the title. This might be one of those days. It was inevitable really. At some point it always rains, at some point the happy plateaus. At some point the questions need answers and you have to take some time off to figure them out.

There is a lot that needs to happen in the next week and frankly it’s a little overwhelming. It is managable, but still it’s a lot for a girl. When you look back at the decade here on Vizionz, you might ask yourself what CAN’T I manage? The answer is simple, nothing. The reality less simple because in this moment it feels like everything.

Last year in the middle of the battle with the former employer I went on a search for therapy. Some might say what took you so long bitch, but those who would say such a thing are generally not within ear shot. I’ve cultivated my inner circle to the point that I have a challenging echo chamber if that can be a thing. I am surrounded by those who think like me, yet are also willing to call a bitch out when needed, and they do amen.

The search for therapy was challenging and I wasn’t as diligent as I could be. It was just overwhelming to keep doing the things, when so much else needed to be done. I did eventually land a therapist. I did eventually land a shrink and I began taking anti depressants again. I’d gone a good 5 years without them but it was clear to the team and myself that I needed chemical alteration to get over the hump, so that is what we did. Because I live in the United States health insurance is mostly for those who are employed. Sure there are other avenues but let’s keep it 100, you only ‘deserve’ health insurance if you work for a living and work for a living at a job that pays you enough to afford it. Even in the reality of being employed mental health is not prioritized. Sure you can get all the incentives if you breast feed and lose weight and not smoke but making sure your brain works and your emotions are managed is not valued in this society.

I was able to negotiate some extended coverage but that’s been gone now for 2 months as I wait for the call to the real position, not the temp position that I am avoiding today. I also planned ahead with the health providers I used to have and got all the refills, and all the pills on deck. As May approaches those supplies are dwindling and I’ve felt so good since arriving that I began to wean myself from the anti depressants. Cold turkey can cause too big a physical reaction, the emotional ones I don’t even want to contemplate. I’ve gone from full doses to half doses and in about a week I should be at every other day until exhausted, except……I need to be on the full doses.

I know this because of how I feel and this is the first time since my arrival on the West Coast that I feel this way.

I think if I were still in weekly therapy visits this would not be as heavy, but I am not. I get up and go to work and come home and do the things and what ails me lingers on the pages of a journal or come to bed with me as I try to sleep through the night.

I’ve only slept through the night consistently when the little one is here. Her alter ego is apparently the sandman and holding her is better than Unisom.

Even on the days when the Daddy and I spend all day doing that which we do best, I don’t sleep through the night.

Now I am without a therapist, without a shrink and lowering the chemicals in my body and I am feeling it.

I can’t say it’s depression, yet I know that it is. What do I have to be depressed about you might ask? Well that is not how depression works. While I wake every morning happy and grateful, while I experience new things daily and I am exploring my new city, depression doesn’t give a fuck. Depression is not about sadness, after all I am not sad. It is a chemical imbalance which requires treatment to alter and treatment is not readily available to me at the moment.

So what is a girl to do?

You can – and I DO – tell myself to snap out of it, and to rely on the tools I’ve used in the past. Use the techniques I’ve learned and keep going. Still I sit here typing instead of reporting into work today. The idea of it was too much and now the sun in in the sky, behind the rain clouds and the drizzle and I’ve done as much as I can do for the day.

For the morning rather. At some point I will brush my teeth and wash my ass because I am not that far down the rabbit hole…..yet.

Yesterday I did the floors and put away dishes. Please clap.

It can be a struggle to do even the mundane when the fog hits my brain, so little things like taking out the trash mean a lot.

The Daddy person asked if he could help and my honest answer was no. He will do enough on the first and I will figure out how to push through this so I can have 2 days on the books this week.

I have things to do this weekend which will help, and yes I will push through this in a fashion.

I can work on my speech, but I may not. I can sleep and I will. I will not just sit here, I know this, yet sitting here right now is all that I can manage.

The fridge is full, the bills are paid, and I live in California. There is nothing to be sad about. I am not, I am depressed. There is a difference and I understand that in ways I did not used to. Knowing is a part of the solution, now to figure out the rest.

It is not as dark as it could be, and my purpose right now is to make sure I don’t get to the pitch black. What ever it takes.