It’s hard to focus now that I actually watched this video, this was early in the music video era and it’s not good. I mean it’s not as bad as Separate Ways but it is not great.

This song popped into my head this morning as I was making coffee. That will happen from time to time, a random stanza from a familiar song will take hold of my cortex and then I have to do whatever until it fades.

I don’t want this to fade right now though. I want to live in it for a moment.

It is a glorious Saturday. Birds are chirping, the California sunshine is sunshining. Even though the interior temperature is lower than I’ve already gotten used to, the screen is open and I can hear the outside. It’s relatively quiet, which is the normal here. Yes I can hear cars, and the occasional conversations of the sporadic pedestrians but other than that, the only sounds are the voices in my mind as I watch the clock tick from morning to afternoon and realized I’ve not done much yet.

2 times in the past 2 days I logged into a kinky discussion only to bow out within 30 minutes. It’s not that they were not good discussions, it’s my headspace that cannot commit to the experience.

The first was about navigating a relationship through trauma. 30 minutes in, I wasn’t hearing/seeing/experiencing much new. Fight Flight Fawn. I know those responses and I’ve done them all. I am mostly a Fawn person, and if you don’t know what that is then come and visit me on another post when I examine that aspect of me.

The second was from one of the nieces, and it was about honesty. That one I left because I felt the petty surfacing and I wanted to choose something different. Like I really wanted to SHOW how much I didn’t give a fuck, yet the fact I felt the need to show it meant that I did and well I want to do different until I can actually be different.

I didn’t fall asleep until about 2a. That happens from time to time. I thought about working on my speech, yes I have to give a speech and then instead I went down an Agents of Shield rabbit hole. Then the alarm was going off. Then I was on a hot streak with Gummy Drop. Then I mentally checked out of trying to force the speech. Could I have done it? Yep. I could have written 6-7 bullet points and stood up and they would have never known I was winging it. I am talented in that respect but instead I put on a T Shirt that I knew I would not speak in, and I puttered around, then I ignored the clock until it was at least 30 minutes into the session where I knew I would not appear and try to save face.

Now that song is still in my head as I figure out how much of the list of things to do I will accomplish today. it’s drone day so the Daddy person is off male bonding. The little one is in San Fran and while I want her here, she has a big day Monday. She has a lot on her mind, and I cannot remove any of it for her. All I can do is remind her that she’s been here before and she’s come out on the other side. She will again.

I took 3 days off work last week. Hello lower dosages. The backlog still didn’t occupy more than 2 hours as I wandered about the building wondering why I have the key to City Hall when the work doesn’t warrant it.

I wasn’t able to submit a timesheet and that will help with the conversation that needs to happen. I think that is a part of my mood. I’ve painted myself into a corner and I don’t have enough paint to cover my footsteps. I will deal with it though, because I have to, I just wish I’d thought things through better. So will he, but at the end of the day it will get done and plans will be made and next steps cemented.

Circumstances and lower dosages allow historic thoughts to enter my brain. It’s been a challenge to hold them at bey. I stood in the middle of the living room and had doubts. I stood on the rug I placed and doubted. I sit at the table I eat on and doubt. I lay in the bed I made and doubt.

Those doubts are both real and unreal, what I have to navigate at the moment is which require attention. I want to scream snap out of it, but I know it is not that simple. I have to make the conscious choice, as I’ve done for months now and I don’t want to. I know the benefit yet I still want to stick my head into the sand and pretend like the calendar is not moving and things don’t have to get done.

I had a conversation with a recruiter Friday, and took my shot. While VPD slow walks this process, I want to see what this other thing is doing. It’s a month almost after my start date and there is still little movement I would consider progress. That is a contributing factor, realizing that what I banked on is less than certain and I have to scramble…..again….to make something happen.

I can do that though. I am doing it, even if it looks ugly while I am doing it.

If I make enough progress today I might reward myself. There is a place I can go…..

The only way to get there though is to start. One step. one motion. One

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