Every so often things happen beyond my control. Okay well more than every so often, but let’s start this post in reality. I need to make sure I am grounded, the next steps of my life demand it. I’ve seen how things spiral, I know what it looks like. I think because I know what it looks like, I can manage it better. I hope so at least. If that changes or alters, well…we will *I* will deal with that when/if it happens. It doesn’t have to though. I’m better prepared for this moment, unlike historical moments.

The voices of Old Nicole in my head are yelling and laughing and crying and screaming all at the same time. I can do little to silence them. I have to simply move around them, and not allow their conjecture to be my truth.

“Remember Why You Started”

A Goddess posted that on Facebook the other day and I saved the photo. The universe always provides and in this moment I will use that as a North Star to plot my course.

What’s important to keep in focus right now is that I am supposed to be here in this moment. The why is not as important, I am here.

I’ve kept up with the things I was supposed to do. The ground work laid in the last 7 weeks is starting to pay off and while I wait for the keys to another city out here I will be able to do a few things. Will I be able to do all of the things? No, but this is where a little hope and faith appear. In this moment I don’t know if those are misplaced but I don’t have to find that out today. I don’t have to ‘solve’ it today. That is the advice I give to the little one, and that is the advice I take today.

When I remember why I started, it was to live. While this moment in time puts me in a place where I have to scramble a little, living can still happen. Living will still happen. It will just look differently than my prior vizion. Many things in my life have happened different than my vizion and I am still here.

One of the things I have to wrap my head around right now is the abrupt departure. It happened, it is done. My brain still wants to find an answer. My heart and vagina aren’t interested in answers they are interested in time travel.

I wrote it all out yesterday and I came back to the conclusion I’ve had since Saturday night. No Exit.

I can be the most tolerant, most forgiving, most excusing, most accepting person on this planet. Ask Kahlil.

Saturday doesn’t leave room for a return though. In theory something else could be built, in theory only though because no matter what way I look at this, no matter what reasons exist, Saturday happened. Not only did Saturday happen but Sunday happened. I cannot go back in time and erase them, I can only move forward with the data from those days and all the data says No Exit.

Old Nicole is in here saying it is my fault for dropping the budget ball. Old Nicole is wrong. Old Nicole says there must be some terrible thing holding him back and I have to wait for the answer. Old Nicole is wrong.

I used to say no refunds, that is replaced with No Exit.

If he was distressed about the budget? Then the answer is/was to talk about it. Yell if you need to [even though I would not have responded well to yelling], draw a line in the sand if you need to. The answer was to communicate the way we have for the past 3 years. We’ve communicated through everything, until last weekend.

If it was a budget issue, and you no longer feel you should carry that budget issue? That can be dealt with and lived with and altered and adjusted. I’ve fought and scrambled my way through worse. Why would it be something that cannot be altered this time? Were we not more powerful together? No Exit.

Was it the “suicide attempt”? Yes it is in quotes and no it was not my own. I don’t believe for a moment the attempt was legitimate. Call me callous, call me anything, changes my mind not one iota. While I was obviously wrong about your behavior, I’ve not once been wrong about hers. That still stands. I didn’t ‘see’ a shift after the “attempt”. I didn’t feel one either. Perhaps it was my own arrogance, perhaps it was because there was none. The contemplation is really moot at this point because Saturday and Sunday happened. No Exit. If the stress in the moment was realizing that your vizion of a peaceful co-existence or exit was no longer possible, the answer was communication. Have I not displayed unwavering loyalty and acceptance of your station? Rhetorical, I have. While I was adamant about that I would not ‘tolerate’ as move day approached, the reality was [and yes that is an on purpose past tense], I was fluid enough to deal with it. I didn’t feel a change with you, and while I blame myself for not ‘catching’ it, I also blame you for being deliberate in obscuring it. If that was the reason, that was over six weeks ago and communication should have happened. Hmmm….different communication. What was communicated was that nothing needed to change, yet something obviously did. No Exit.

Was it the explanation of “everything”? If so? Yeah…..that’s not on me either. I’ve brought this up multiple times in the past 3 years. I’ve made suggestions you chose to ignore for your own reasons, yeah…not on me. While I have to own my mistake in trusting you to do it, that is not the killer here. That is the behavior of a person in love, who was giving everything, who was transparent and vulnerable to the situation. That’s not on me. I was positive when the time came, because I always knew it would, that when the line in the sand was drawn you would be the person I imagined you to be and would say no more. You did not. I was wrong. I have to eat that loss, but I don’t see it as a failure on my part. I wasn’t wrong to trust in love and commitment. If I was wrong about anything it was loving and committing to you, and even that is not a mistake to me. Considering my current circumstance, it feels like a mistake but I know it is not. Your response is not my responsibility when I did everything I said I would do. I was open and vulnerable and committed to the promises we made to one another. I consistently held up my end of the relationship agreement. I was imperfect, but perfection was never negotiated. No Exit.

In the hours of the weekend, and the days after, I kept telling myself that I was missing something. That it made no sense. The reality is that even if I did miss something, and it doesn’t make sense, nothing changes. No Exit.

The reality is that no matter what way I examine and spin and try to make sense of this, you are an adult. A fully formed human being who has made a decision. I am not required to understand it, or approve it. I am aware though that because of that decision my life is altered dramatically. I am also aware that while I might hope you will honor the commitments made to me, you’ve violated one of them so I have no guarantee that you won’t continue to violate them. In other words the trust is broken.

I asked myself what series of words and deeds would walk me back to a place where I could resume slavery. The honest answer is none. While I learned to never say never, after all being with you was a never which happened, I’ve been down this road already. Once upon a time I loved without limit, committed fully, exposed all of me and that trust was also broken. Every repeat performance after that day in the diner in Roxboro, every time he appeared back in my life, my love was there but I also spent the time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I will not live that way again. I can extricate myself, wish you well, mourn my loss, and have fond memories of what we shared, because while it lasted it was amazing.

It was more than I thought I deserved when it began, and as it ends I understand that it is possible to have once more IF I choose that.

The thing is…..I don’t have to choose that, or you any longer. I have a different outlook on life than I used to and this is a moment of possibilities not endings.

I packed up a truck, hopped my fat ass in it, and drove 3000 miles to begin a new life. That hasn’t changed. “Remember Why You Started”.

I started because I let go of the guilt and the pain of the years prior. I understood that I was given opportunity and in that opportunity I could squander it or I could embrace it. I was yearning for alteration and alteration happened. I wanted a fresh start and a clean slate and the opportunity to create a life I’d only dreamed of and never thought I deserved. That also has not changed.

I also wanted love. I wanted to love and be loved as I deserved. I wanted to let go of my fears and embrace a relationship again, slavery again. I wanted forever. That did change, but in that change still there is opportunity. I didn’t think I wanted forever, but you gave me the vizion that it was possible. It is possible….for you. You made that choice and in it, well…..you won’t have the happiness you had in these 4 walls but I can’t want it more for you than you do yourself.

In your absence it won’t be as happy as it was just 2 weeks ago, but it will continue to be happy.

I have your things packed up and they are on the bench. Funny how small they look when they were once so large a presence.

I have a lot to figure out in the next 18 days but I will. I thought that is a part of why you wanted me. My resilience, tenacity and capability. You said as much more than once. Maybe you did once, but you want something different now and I couldn’t change that for you if I wanted to, and truthfully I don’t want to.

I don’t want to spend my time convincing you to fight for us, or that I am worth it, or to live up to the commitment we made. I want someone who sees it and lives in it willingly. If that person is not you? There are over 7 billion people on this planet the odds are in my favor.

You either chose to ignore my love, loyalty, submission or you want me to place it on hold without explanation. Neither is acceptable to me.

I thought your message from the other day was a Bat Signal, telling me to stay the course. It very well might have been, yet I am not.

If it was a bat signal? I don’t want the person sending it. That’s not who I fell in love with and who I committed to.

Someone advised me to move as IF I wanted you back. No.

While I will miss countless things about us, and the security of us, I won’t repeat the mistakes of my past. Been here, before, and it began a 17 year revolving door of my not living and anyone who would pull what they did last weekend doesn’t deserve 17 years of my life.

I’ve spent the past few days pouring over our messages. Yes, I keep all the receipts. I will finish the project that I started with that, and when I do I will put a bow on this gift and send it. Then I will move on. I won’t pretend that this doesn’t hurt, it does on a cellular level. My cells regenerate every 7 years or so though, so eventually you will be out of my system.

No Exit.