Still processing. Can you be hurt and numb and angry at the same time? Yes.

There is so much to unpack from this experience. The bigger issue in the moment is that there are things still not resolved. I have to keep walking back and forth past his things packed in the living room and my petty wants to take them over to his place, but I am sitting on that.

Amicable. That is a word, one people try to use in moments like this. I don’t know if that is possible but I know I don’t have to go full Nicole. In this moment I have other things to focus on. When the dust settles I can reflect on this time and allow feelings to feel.

Small. Another word used. I’ve used it, that word. I’ve told myself that I would not feel small, not make myself smaller, small. I saw small this Saturday and it was repulsive. It was also a little humor inducing but mostly repulsive.

Ambiguity. I dislike it, but it is a thing and it happens and I have to still navigate life when it happens.

Foreign. Unfamiliar. Unknown.

That is my reality, how I have to move. Can I? Of course. In comparison this is a walk in the park, I just expected different.

Expectations. If you never have any you cannot be disappointed. If you never have any then what are you moving towards?

If you have no expectations then you can never be disappointed.

Tenacity. Audacity.

In times like this my emotions demand I hit back hard, so hard and it requires measured control to reign that in, to deny my darker impulses. I don’t have to react, I can simply move on.