I never thought I’d be writing here about a break up. This one was supposed to be different. It was different, just not in the happily ever after fashion I envisioned.

The thing about this moment in time is that I could dive into how ‘similar’ it is to relationships of the past. It is..yet it isn’t.

One of the things I am unpacking is did I leave it all on the field so to speak. I did. In the aftermath of the phone call I had a lot of time to think. That is not always a good thing for me, but in this moment I think it was for the best. I was able to dissect some things. I was able to come to some conclusions. In the past 48 hours I came to some conclusions that I won’t share at the moment but I am firm in them.

It’s difficult to not go scorched earth, but I don’t need to do that in this case. I can just let go. Well I can let go better when he returns the key but he hasn’t done that yet. I have suspicions why but they are neither here nor there.

I have to admit I wasn’t expecting it. There wasn’t warning. I thought about it hard and there wasn’t. Seven days prior we had an amazing family weekend. Then it was over.

I asked myself did I see the choice he made coming? In a sense I did, I knew it would come to a decision point I simply chose to have faith that when that point came he would live up to his promises to me. He chose not to and there is nothing I can do about that.

So here I am, in a ‘strange’ town. I have lots that need to happen. I am in the middle of making it happen. I will make it happen because even if my ‘fairy tale’ isn’t happening that doesn’t mean I am not in the place I should be right now. The Universe doesn’t make mistakes and my presence here is not a mistake.

I’ve shed tears. I’ve gotten angry.

I will do both of those more in the days and weeks ahead, but I will go on because it’s what I can do. It is what I must do.

I was asked if I was going to give up on love. The answer to that is no.

Will I examine my choices? Sure, but I can’t control some things. I did all the ‘right’ things and in return for my diligence, vulnerability and faith I was left alone. I don’t yet know what I could do differently to create a different result. If all that I put into this relationship ended this way, what more what else could I do?

The only answer to that is to be open to receiving love and giving it.

Intellectually I know there are no guarantees. I just thought with all the work and foundation laid in this relationship mattered. It mattered to me, I just have to admit that it didn’t matter to both of us.

So what now?

I live. That is going to look different than I thought it was even 3 weeks ago but living is going to happen.

I don’t want to think about living without him, but I am not interested in chasing a fantasy. I want reality warts and all.