At this point I have to jot some things down to pull from and remember for the immediate and distant future.

I would prefer to not have to do this, but I don’t always get that which I want. I always get that which I need though so I am winning in that sense.

It wasn’t a mistake. I didn’t make a mistake in this process. I made choices. I made commitments. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I took risk. I opened myself and refused to allow the doubts of my history to impact my present. While the final result wasn’t what I thought I had, wasn’t what I thought was worth keeping and fighting for, the initial ask and the 3 years of skin in the game were not a mistake.

This separation is not like the separation in 2014. If nothing else, I no longer have a minor child who must suffer for the choices I made. This time it was the man who left. This time the little one is still in love with me and I with her. This time the only person who might “suffer” from my choices is me. While the building is still falling it is not possible to know precisely what the damages are, I am in a completely different place than 2014.

I don’t have to internalize his gaslighting. This is not about me. I stated my intention and purpose. I remained committed to that intention and purpose. I lived up to my end of the bargain. Did I hit snags? Yes. Since I arrived in January almost nothing has gone to the plan we created – together – yet until recently we met each challenge together and won. Was I perfect? No. Perfection was never requested nor demanded. This current narrative of his though, that is not the reality. He’s doing what he thinks he needs to, but that doesn’t change the reality of the past. He’s selling someone, possibly himself, a version of events which are different than what actually happened and I am not required to internalize that. It would be easy. I am skilled in that, 5 times with the last person I took this ride with. In that case, I didn’t have the documentation, I didn’t have the personal growth and experience. I let the words he ended the relationship with take hold of me personally and it allowed me to question all of the reality before. I won’t do that this time. His actions, behavior are his to deal with not mine. I can rest knowing this wasn’t on me, and what he does now is about him.

I am where I am supposed to be. The Universe determined I was supposed to be in California and I am here. No matter what, I am supposed to be here and I am here.

This doesn’t have to color my future. I learned how to love and trust and interact again. I learned how to share and give. The segment of Nicole who’d closed herself off to love and relationship, no longer exists. She was buried by the time I loaded that truck and began the drive.

I am allowed to be angry and sad and feel all of the things. This is a break up and a heartache. I don’t have to swallow any of these feelings, I have the right to feel them. What responsibility I do have though is to make sure that I don’t allow any of those feelings to dominate my actions. I still have work to do here, and wallowing in any one thing could impact that. Feel and move Nicole.

He’s shown me who his is, now is the time to believe him. While he showed me such a contrast in the prior 3 years, what he is showing me now matters. Your love doesn’t mean that you have to repeat an error. Yes I once thought he was someone I could not live without, but the ONLY person I can’t live without is me. He’s shown what he is capable of doing, throwing it all away. Believe that. Trust in that the same way you trusted in all that was different before. He refusal to give back the keys is his way of keeping his foot in the door. Stand your ground until you can remove that foot and close it completely.

You are no longer responsible for his comfort and happiness. In reality you never were, but you valued it and contributed to it. You made it a priority and you no longer need to do that. He’s determined that he can find that elsewhere leave him to it. You no longer have to put his desires and needs at the same level you do your own. He gave that up and you have permission to put yourself and your survival and your comfort first.

The possibilities are endless. New city, new state, new you. Remember why you started: you wanted to LIVE. So live, and laugh, and if love comes again in this way love. His lack of appreciation for your magnificence doesn’t mean you are spectacular. You are still Nicole. You are still all of the things you were before that 70 second phone call and all of the actions after.