It’s early on a Saturday. I’ve already had one cup of coffee, spoken to the bestie, fed the animals. I have to travel into the city today and figure out what next week at works looks like. I’ve been occupied enough that I am not spending an abnormal amount of time on the circumstances, but there are 24 hours in a day and well that can’t be all spent doing things to distract me.

I am still living up to my end of the agreement, because that is who I am. While I am less than thrilled with the current placeholder, it is necessary to the next steps in the process. I got news that didn’t make me happy this week, and I wonder if the catalyst was me or him. At the end of the day, it was not the place I was supposed to land, but it makes me curious about what things will look like for the Oakland position. I don’t necessarily want the Oakland position either but I do want the salary and benefits associated with that position.

Trying to find a level foundation to land hasn’t been as simple as I thought it might. If there is comfort, it is that I know things are similar where he is, and with the tech market closing rank, he also won’t be someplace he ‘wants’ to be. I ask myself if that smugness is appropriate, and while intellectually I know it is not, emotionally it gives me a sense of whoosah because he has to pay the price for his decisions. One of the things which always nagged at me about my final separation from Kahlil was that he was able to remove himself without penalty. That he could simply pretend I never existed and the only consequence was that of his conscious and the fact that he was able to leave in the manner he did…well he could sleep at night knowing he left my life in chaos and shambles. August 4 doesn’t have that luxury.

I feel like I should be the bigger person here and not worry that he also has to feel the impact of this separation, but that is not the reality at the moment. Perhaps in time it will be, but for the moment I am thankful that we are both ‘feeling’ this.

Being transparent I have a scenario in mind. One last face to face where I give him the opportunity to correct this. The issue with that scenario is that at the end of it, I still don’t have the person I fell in love with in 2019. I would have some other version. I tell myself that I can find a way to make it work, yet the reality is that I chose a specific type of relationship and went all in for it. The version of us, if I were able to pull off the save would not be that and we would eventually crumble anyhow. No Exit.

I am still making moves behind the scenes to walk into 50 without him, without us, without what I thought my future was. Those moves worry me at times, I wonder if I will be able to lay down the woman I have to be to get this done and return to the woman I was just six months ago. I believe that I can, but I worry.

The new office likes me. The new office is affording me connections I didn’t previously have. That is important as I repour this foundation.

This week I felt a little isolated. Not dangerously so, but it was present. I made sure to stop and breathe and not allow myself to fall into the pattern and the rut of work home work. The possibility is there and in a sense it is enticing, but I know where that road leads and I am refusing to do that.

I have a deadline upcoming. In seven days or so things are going to shift again. I am less than thrilled about it, but it needs to be done. I don’t have the ability to predict the result. I wish I did. Even without knowing the result, this needs to be done so I will do it.

I slept through my first earthquake. I miss my little one. I still have a box of patio furniture in my living room which I want to assemble but I will have to wait on that just a little longer…just a little.

I am going to make all of this work. Forward.