This week ends today. It was a good week. I have to notate these things because as I sort and process it is easy to focus on the negative. I am earning again which helps. I did not expect that finding full time, quality work would be as challenging as it is, but that is mostly wrapped into lack of transportation. The E women have helped that a lot and it has allowed me to take and keep the current position. The current position is something I’ve never done before, yet I am excelling at it so far. I will have good and bad days ahead of me but for this moment, I am doing well.

The position is hybrid which is good. I will conserve some energy and gas and wardrobe. It means I get to sleep in 3 days a week and that is always a good thing.

If I am being honest? I don’t hate this commute or this office. I don’t like California drivers, they are ridiculous but the commute is not bad. At the time I have to report I don’t hit the hard stop and leaving when I do, I get out early enough to miss the back home traffic of the Bay. I actually miss driving some, and the commute solidifies that. I enjoy turning the radio up and opening the sunroof. I enjoy the escape from the apartment and transitioning into a space where I have to interact with others. Especially right now this is important, as my default is to withdraw. This position forces me to present and I am not made at that in this moment.

I am not really happy about the people. I mean, its an office. The positive is that there are plenty people of color. The negative is that there is one less as of yesterday, and he was the only one I really liked. #Also – how they gave him the axe let’s me know that this is not my ‘forever’ home. Yeah they did him dirty, and my new goal is to roll out before they have the chance to do me dirty. The positive is that he alleges he has some connections I’d like to explore. We will see if he is legit, but in the interim, he is one more connection.

I am disappointed that the VPD position panned out. The big thing there is I won’t ever know if it was the incident of April 1 which tilted things for me. In my head that is what it was, well my response to it, but I won’t really know. They don’t say why they rescinded the offer, and I don’t have the time to stress it. I have to keep pushing for the other items on my list of things to do, since right now, I stand alone.

August 4 agreed to a f2f. I asked for it because I’d like one of these relationships I’ve given my all to have some closure. Closure is a lie, and I accept that, but I still want it. What will it benefit me to hear him say to my face what he’s demonstrated? I do not know but I still want it.

Being transparent? It is very likely that I want the opportunity to change his mind. Can I do that? Well shit, I’ve done the impossible more than once. Do I want that? I don’t know. I still love him beyond words. I moved 3000 fucking miles to be with him. I still have his name on my mouth and heart when I wake in the mornings, and every morning I still have about 15 seconds before it hits me. I still miss his kiss, his voice and our connection. I lost one of my best friends in this activity. I still walk around this place we were making ours and see it with an eye wondering if he would be pleased. I still wear the rings.

I typed out no exit to remind myself that the circle of repeat is not a good thing, yet I know that deep down if there is a 0.00001% chance I would take it.

I want the f2f to be as sure as I can be that this bridge won’t burn before I can cross it. Yes I will make a place for myself here, with or without him, but I also have to admit that without him leaves me dangling and I’ve worked very hard these past years to no longer dangle.

I need to be sure about my legal rights as well. If this is not solvable, I need to be protected. All my research says I am, he says I am not. He says I am at his whim. I reached out to an attorney to be sure. I have to be sure.

I am still pet sitting. The cat is a handful but amazingly enough the turtle is the problem child. He hates his container, I can never tell if he is drinking water, and I can’t tell how much he is eating. Right now he is out on the patio. At least someone is using it – I still haven’t gotten my shade or my patio furniture out there yet. He really loves it out there, even though he is walking in circles.

I wonder if there is a lesson there for me. I am sure there is, and equally sure I don’t care to find the relationship right now.

I was going to go to the movies but the shows are all sold so that I can’t buy out the seats next to me so house cleaning it is. I have to go into the city, but I am in no rush to do that.

It was a good week Nicole. Remember that. Build on that. Forward.