I took a chance and left Pottstown and went to Maryland. That did not work out well initially, yet it stimulated movement on my part. There were things that I needed to do, as a person, as a woman to reassume control of my life. While living in Maryland I made some choices. One of those choices was to take a chance on love again. I’d pretty much sworn it off, I wasn’t prepared to expose myself again. I understood that if I were to live as I wanted to live, I had to re-open the possibility of love.

I reached out to someone who I’d had the lightening bolt with. My inquiry was matched with curiosity, then eventually acceptance.

I was very clear in the vizion I had for the relationship. I wanted an authority imbalanced relationship. I wanted a long term relationship.

Maybe about six weeks in, there was a moment, he said ‘if I have to release you’, and it almost ended there. I put my foot down and explained that emotional manipulation and threats wasn’t going to cut it. That if that was how be planned to operate, I would exit stage left. There was a way to express his displeasure with my behavior without threats. I considered release the ‘nuclear’ option, and I was not going to spend the entirety of the relationship with him dropping a bomb then picking it up waiting for it to go off.

His response to that, our conversation around that, his acknowledgement that it was over the top is what got me to remain.

We had hiccups along the way. No relationship is without them, not even one from this lifestyle. At each one, we stopped and explored and resolved. There was always one topic that could not be touched. His other woman.

I’ve always known about her. I walked into this relationship understanding that I would share him with her. My views on monogamy aren’t the traditional ones. I don’t hold it to the standards that others do. For my life, for my needs, sexual monogamy is not a priority for me. If it is asked of me, I can do it, but I am non monogamous in nature. I also don’t place value on the person I am with being monogamous to me. I value other things, and it is those things which were betrayed.

Their history is lengthy, their relationship complicated. As the days turned to weeks, then months we discussed what life can look like. I never assumed she would be out of the picture, until he made that a possibility.

Perhaps he was lying to himself, if so, I bought that lie fully.

While in the back of my mind I still saw this relationship as a “V”, I also began to picture what life might look like when he was without her.

I moved from Maryland back to Philadelphia. We – yes we – began to make plans for a life for me which included living on the West Coast in proximity to him. One of our hiccups was how I would get here. He’s always been able to front the cost. He’s not a millionaire, but he is more than stable. I could have been here for years, if he cut a check. He refused. That was a huge point of contention for us. He words, and even his actions said come out here and live close to me, yet he refused to make it simple for me. I considered leaving the relationship.

Obviously in the end, I made another choice, but the spring of 2021 was tough. I created a plan which would get me here. It took a lot to pull it off, and I did have some help in the emotional support of the man I was building a life with. The summer of 2021 was hard on me, and he was there every day. I would not have done it without him. I did it for us and he understood that. He was my cheerleader, my rock. I was also his. I let go of my animosity at his choice to not finance the move and instead I leaned into what life would look like after the move.

I did a lot for us, including finding him an outlet for his frustration while we waited for my arrival. He was clear that he wanted me here. He was clear that once I got here he would have my back. There was nothing in our history which allowed me to doubt that.

I pulled it off. I had the money needed by November and I went into overtime to get to the West Coast. I wanted to make it happen by the end of the year but I met a lot of challenges. He was still in my corner. He went to do walk thrus, he scoped locations and talked to landlords. By the beginning of January we’d settled on a location, he agreed to join the lease with me. Despite his revisionist history now, he did not object to joining the lease. In my head, it was him putting skin in the game, and showing me that he was all in with our plan. I don’t know what it was in his head.

He took the deposit over to the leasing office and got the keys. He did the walk through. He brought me flowers and champagne to celebrate my arrival. My arrival wasn’t smooth. Coming into this apartment there were lots of issues. He was here through all of them. He came by almost every day, he helped with the maintenance. He put money into the furniture. As the job search stressed me, he reduced my stress. When I did start working he came up to the job and claimed me.

We did very well, and it was working. It was not perfect. It was very good though. For a while we were really happy. Then he said she tried to commit suicide. I don’t believe that, but he does. It put stress on us, but we seemed to be working through it. Then the day before Mother’s Day arrived and it all crashed.

What I do know is that whatever happened at his place he made a decision. He might not ever tell me the details, and while that is difficult to digest, it might be my reality. The outcome is that he has decided that he wanted to end our relationship and continue the relationship with her.

Being transparent, I didn’t think it would come to this. I believed that he would find a way to have us both. He didn’t do that. He abandoned us, in a fashion I didn’t feel was appropriate for what we had. He then told me, he wanted his name off the lease. While intellectually I always knew that there was the possibility we would part, I did not expect that in that separation he would leave me in a precarious space.

When he said he wanted off the lease, I immediately thought that I would be in a precarious position and as I type this it seems that is where I stand.

I can survive losing him. I don’t want to but I will if I must. I built this life around being with him. I will rebuild without him. What I did not want, was to be in a position where I had to struggle and scramble. That might be the case. If so, it will not be without a fight.

I asked him to live up to his commitment. He said he would not. He can be made to, and I didn’t want it to be this way, but I am in a strange state, alone. I have to protect myself.

I even made him an offer that I didn’t have to, a less expensive option. He also refused that.

We are now at the point of the of the story where the immovable object meets the irresistible force and all that surrounds us suffers. I am built for battle though.