sigh

I don’t know how to begin a post like this without a sigh. I’ve been in dialogue with August 4. The struggle is real. I am at the point where I am trying to secure my future and also save him. I am positive that when I go back to therapy there are multiple sessions which will be dedicated to this disaster.

I love him. That is not a surprise, I still love Kahlil in a way. At this point it causes me pain to have to stand my ground, when I’ve spent the last 3 years giving him all that he desires. It also causes me pain to know what he is about to return to and not be able to intervene.

I have to prioritize me though which is why I move forward.

I have to be sure that my future is secured. Where once upon a time I knew I could rely on him, those days are behind us. He is unreliable for the first time ever to me, and that is a foreign space. I did not think it would ever be the case, yet here we are. I can no longer just pick up the phone and say Daddy I need. It hurts. While money is absolutely a thing, its more than money. In this separation I am also losing one of my best friends. Someone who knows me, understands me. Someone I could talk to about anything. Someone I could count on when the world was falling apart around me. Someone when I was at my most frantic and manic would be the steady hand which allowed me to focus. I’d dismiss any amount of money to have that back, while also knowing there is no amount of money on this planet which if I had at my disposal would buy it.

I have to settle for knowing that financially I am secured. He thinks I am trying to get back at him.

Sure there is a part of me which wants to make him hurt, as the hurt I will carry will last much longer than he knows.

This is not about hurting him though, when what I would rather do is save him.

His 5 years before me were a version of hell. I understand that hell, I’ve been there. I would protect him from that if I could, as I did in our time together. His next years will make those 5 look like Christmas. His vulnerability which bright me to him and me to him, will be exploited beyond description. It already is. In our conversation last night, I saw a glimpse and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and protect him from the pain. I have to remember that I cannot save every Black man out here, even if it feels like that is what I was designed to do.

In this moment she’s already figured out how to manipulate him into a circle of punishment. What’s odd is that I could end a part of this for him, I could still save him…in a sense. I could let go of my request and this stops for him. I could give him that last gift. The issue with that? It leaves me vulnerable and my Superman has retired his cape.

She’s surveyed the landscape and understood that if she says X this becomes an endless loop which she can use to make him suffer. He thinks she wants me gone. What he doesn’t understand is that my presence is necessary to her. I am her gift to continue her vampire grip. My presence allows her to shift the responsibility and the ability to regain her superiority. I will have to deal with that understanding and my contribution to that in my own way. I am not pleased with it, but my pleasure is not required.

He understands on this issue I will not move. She also understand that.

He is in the middle of the the 2 women he chose and unable to exert his will on either of them. For a man like him, that is hell.

I can’t resist one more hail mary, and it was just sent. I doubt he will accept it but I extended it.

So much for me putting down my cape.

I want better for him, and even if he thinks he cannot have it, I know that he can. I gave it to him. While I cannot be the one to restore it for him moving forward, my last I love you to him can be showing him it is possible.

Now off to get a haircut.