It’s the first Saturday after getting the paperwork on both of them. I feel almost free. Almost. There are still 2 court dates ahead, back to back even. August 2 and August 3. It’s quite complicated to tell the truth, getting the paperwork. It was vastly different than my experience in Philly. I’ve only had to do this one time before, Valerie when I had to extract her from our home. That was a pretty simple process. This not so much.

In Solano county’s defense there was no pandemic in 2008. NOT in Solano county’s defense, the Bay Area is at the point where lots of things are open, and I don’t understand why courts are not open when they are essential in one of the worst ways.

I didn’t want this to come to this moment, I wanted something much different. This is what I have though and I will rock with it. I will always defend and protect myself. Always. I just am less than thrilled that I was put in the position that I needed to defend and protect myself. It seems like just yesterday that he was my protection and now I need protection from him….and her.

The hearings will happen and I will have a moment of peace. It is my desire that we only have to do the hearings and we can stay on our separate sides of town but one never knows so I am preparing for every possibility. I had a moment yesterday, that moment is gone now. Now I move along.

I did something I haven’t had to do for a good 4 years, buy condoms. Going back to condom sex is whack as fuck but I’m not old enough to be sitting on this shelf so back out into the condom world I go. I should be knocking the cobwebs off tonight, then it is back to building the stable. I thought these days were behind me, having to have a rotation, having to audition penis.

I’ve finally begun to share with people that the fairytale is over, but I don’t know if that is accurate. He might not have been ‘prince charming’ but that doesn’t mean my ‘person’ isn’t out there. I haven’t given up on the thought, and I am open to it. I can’t see myself ever agreeing to OPP again, but I never saw August 4 coming …I never saw him going.

The disappointment is real…the comfort if it exists is that I am not and did not lose the man I love, I lost a man pretending to be the man I loved. He is still in my dreams at night, that is going to be true for some time. The dreams I can control, the daydreams if you will he is no longer there and that is progress.

I want August 3rd to be the end, yet I am prepared for it to not be the end.