It’s 1133a here, the Flash’s new season is playing in the background. I’ve had coffee and I am about to make my daily protein shake. When that is over I am going to clean the apartment. The sun is bright here, the temperature is compatible with putting in a little physical effort. It’s a good day.

I have had quite a few good days since my arrival, also some not good days.

The last couple months were spent in turmoil, confusion, desperation and loss. Today that remains a little as well but hope also is present. I feel free for the first time in a long time. It is not like my relationship was a prison sentence, I chose it and him. I was very happy to settle into the relationship I thought that I was building. It was also a future that was out of my control. My role was to follow his lead, and I did that. While it led me here, in this moment with the perfect sunshine, it wasn’t my design.

This is the first time in years that I can design my own life, future. It’s what I was planning after the departure from Pottstown, and it was delayed while I learned to love again. That isn’t a bad thing in the big picture, I needed to learn and risk on love again. It was a part of how I heal, grow and evolve.

Losing that love isn’t simple to process but I needed this lesson as well. The one where I take a chance, “fail”, and move on again.

This is the first weekend in a long time that I feel freedom in a way I can’t ever say I had before. I would have to go back to before Clyde and even then a lot of it was attached to that ‘first love’, and that future I thought we would have.

Yesterday I worked, then went to a movie. I came home after dark and smiled looking at my apartment. MY apartment. Although the space was dark and alone when I walked in, I did not feel alone. I felt the comfort that comes with being free. I woke this morning and smiled. I had coffee at my table and opened all the blinds and understood that when I looked out at the street today I did not have to fear the arrival of a Blue SUV or a stubby yt woman. In 2 more weeks or so when all the hearings are done, I will have no restrictions on where I can go, or who I will face when there.

While I still don’t have the network I once had, I am not alone here. The little one is ever present, and I am making bonds and connections here with others. It is slow, I am still dealing with shedding attachment baggage, but my suitcases are lighter these days. I ordered a product from an Auntie. I saw it and immediately bought it, because I could. Yes, I am going to have to work on my spending habits being down to 1 income, but I’ve put things into place to help with that. All the bills are paid. ALL of them. I am going on a mini vacation next weekend. We – the little one and I – are going to a place I haven’t been in over 20 years.

This week was the anniversary of my first non kink vacation, where I set foot in San Fran for the first time. I live in the area now.

I still have a long way to go, to be as prosperous as I dreamed, but I am mostly independent in the moment. That doesn’t mean I am living without help, I can look out the window, see BB and understand that help. I am really mostly though doing this on my own.

The man didn’t work out. The job didn’t work out. Yet here I am still standing within the storm.

I am standing in a space that is my own, that grows or shirks based on what I do or do not do.

By his actions he threatened this moment, he put it in jeopardy. While I have to admit and take an L that I relied on him so much, I proved to myself that I can still stand within his absence. Not just stand but walk as well. Soon I will run and there is nothing but open road ahead of me.

While I crafted this West Coast existence to be a part of a relationship, I live it on my terms now.

I also stood up to the bully and won.

I bought a painting. It was there and it intrigued me and it is the Black man and the Black woman. That reminds me I have to budget for 2 other works of art that I want in this space. I still have to build my altar, but just like everything else fell into place this will also. I am going to prioritize the altar though, it’s time to return to that which makes me better.

When the work is done, I will sit on the patio and listen to the environment. The Universe wants to have a conversation with me and I am all ears.