Is better than zero right?

About a month ago I looked at my home and realized I was still in a holding pattern. I looked at the box which held my patio furniture, the box that held my bedroom bookcase and understood that I had not expended the time, money or energy to get things assembled because I was still holding my breath and waiting for the person who made the rules to return.

I could look at the time from Feb until last month and ask myself why, yet I know why. I was waiting to see how it would impact him, or him and me. He’d marked a couple of things he planned to do here, but he never got around to them before he left.

They are up to me now, and I am getting there.

While there is a lot of ME here, I am reminded that all of the design thus far was based on how to make my people comfortable here. Truth is, while the little one loves it here, she won’t ever sleep like she does at home until I change my bed. He was supposed to replace it, and now he is no longer welcome here to see or sleep in it. It falls to me.

I still have to upgrade some of the kitchen appliances. I want 3 more rugs and more artwork. I have lights that are designed to go above the picture window but I honestly have no idea where I put them and I don’t want to hang them myself. There are ‘men’ things I want done here and there is no longer a ‘man’.

They will get done, because it is important that I not stop progress, yet it is also another reminder of what remains unfinished.

I spoke with their lawyer this week.

He hired a lawyer for both of them to defend against the restraining orders. According to just her paperwork, representing her is $900. I know this because she’s countersued me for those fees. Those fees are just for the hearing which has already passed, not what is yet to come. I smile a little at that, his additional expenses. He accused me of just wanting to be in his pockets, which was not the reason for my requests. Now, he’s spending more to defend himself than he would have if he just did right by me. Yes I smile at that, idiots should be smiled at. It also makes me frustrated and angry. I keep asking myself if someone who’d actually cared about me would be doing all of this?

The thing is, when it’s all over, just like July 8, he will have to pay the money. And while I have to budget juggle in the interim, I will get it done. I always do. I was actually about to type usually there just now, but now that answer is always.

My conversation with the lawyer revealed a couple of things about me. First, that while I do not like Kalifornia Karen, I am not angry at her in the way one might expect. I still want better for him, but he doesn’t want better for himself. Her threats were only considered serious to me because of the 5150. Even then, there is not an Earth 1, Earth 2, 616 universe, multiverse, SndyerCut or any other make believe in which she can beat my ass. She threatened it though, and I will protect myself.

She wants the 5150 redacted from the paperwork. She wants the restraining order gone. She is worried about her reputation. Leave it to a yt woman to worry about her reputation when she does a Black woman wrong and the Black woman has to defend herself.

We, the lawyer and I, also spoke about Lord Voldemort. I had an idea originally that I would do like Adele and lay all his shit bare, yet I did not. The situation did not warrant it, even though it might in the future. I expressed that he, even in this moment is not being truthful and transparent, but then again that might be why I am less angry with Kalifornia Karen. He lied to both of us, the difference is that he can no longer lie to me, and she will have to go through the next version of me, because he will not change.

Can Oya top Shango? I know Nicole can top Lord Voldemort and that is enough for the moment.

Dating again is…..interesting. So far it’s been mediocre and 5×5 and Kunta. None of them are up to my standard. I’ve noted how the men here say hella and that’s crazy a lot, and it doesn’t do a lot for me.

I have an altar table I have to finish, I should tackle that after San Fran, yes I have to do into the city today.

I actually dislike driving into the city, well going into the city at all, but it is what I have to do today so it shall get done.

With the altar almost finished I can reach back out to the organization, and with that more things to hang. Wanda would be useful, but she is miles and miles away.

At work things are progressing. Right now, I am battling the complacency. I have the hang of it, I am good at it, but keeping it real until I can start earning bonuses, I am not where I want to be. I actually don’t want to be there even when earning bonuses, I have a career shift in mind, but the search is not giving to me that which I need to see to make the jump.

Yes I understand the mistake that could be, yet here I am because this right now is keeping the lights on. That happened with MedRisk, and it took the desire to be here, and be here with him, to energize the shift.

I am pet sitting. The little one is back on the East Coast and I miss her. I need to meditate and shift some energy and prep for the afternoon drive. I also need to add more to the roster but it is not as simple as one might think, even for me.

It was a decent enough week, where I only had to bra up 2 days. I am thankful for that in many ways. I am thankful for a lot these days, and a little excited about what comes next. Forward. When you can’t do it by the mile do it by the centimeter but always do it.