Last night I came home and went straight to bed. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. I know why I did it, otherwise I would have to address the text message I got. I didn’t want to do that because I don’t have an answer.

After I rolled over and saw it was 8 I popped a gummy and went back to the pillows.

Well not exactly, I sent a text, to a different person about a different thing.

This is the moment I wanted to avoid, why I held out for so long for more money. The security. He ripped that from me. and I was soft and settled. In hindsight? I probably should not have let him off the lease, but I wanted him away, and I didn’t want to spend the rest of the year in combat. I love him and didn’t want to have to watch him to be in continuing pain and turmoil as she tortured him for my existence.

That will be rewarded, I know it inherently, yet in this moment? I feel the weight of that decision and the stress of punching through it.

I’ve been on dating apps. I met 5×5 there. I didn’t meet mediocre there, and we are going to pretend he doesn’t exist once this bookcase is assembled.

I’ve had a couple of interesting conversations, I’ve met ghost accounts.

The familiar is me. 4 sentences in, already thinking if they can fit inside the life I am creating. I’d like to think that is a positive, and perhaps it is. The reality is that 99% of those conversations won’t last, won’t manifest.

I actually have met one person in the flesh.

It was a shot. I saw they were acquainted with mediocre, even if only on a surface level, and I hit him up. He responded. Surprise number one.

The conversation went quickly. Surprise number two.

He was someone I would never have swiped on without my petty. Even though he had a cool smile, I would have seen 5’5″ and went nope.

Yes I am that surface at times, and that is not likely to change. Even though I’ve taken a chance on some of those swipes, I would not have taken that particular chance.

I didn’t approach him as I have others. I am witty and flirty with the others. His was ‘what’s good’? Turns out the thing I know to be true, is still true, you only need 2 words to pick someone up. He said he was down, and on Sunday I planned to find out.

One of the issues I’ve had is the absence of physical touch. The absence of intercourse and orgasms. It was creating an unnatural longing for Lord Voldemort , and I knew that I had to do something to alter it. The absence of it would allow me to rewrite a narrative in my head, and soften. I know this about myself which is a part of why the tumble weeds in the dating apps was getting to me. Every day I went without it, it was putting me in danger of romanticizing what used to be. My dream last night reminded me that the relationship is a wrap. It was him, holding a woman who is not me. It was her, even though her face wasn’t clear. The joke there is not lost on me. He told me in the dream that he was where he wanted to be doing what he wanted, and it wasn’t with me. I would not have had that dream without Sunday.

Iron Man is the current nickname, might change but that is it for the moment.

As the conversation unloaded, there were the telltale signs of why Iron Man isn’t happily ever after, but that the dick would be fire. I had to run into the city for the little one and while out there doing the things I told her, it will be flames.

I was right, how right I wasn’t prepared for, and that can be an issue if I don’t temper it.

One of the things about the men out here is they are not aggressive. There is a method about East Coast men where it is very much you know why we are here let’s get to it. The men out here? No so much and it’s taxing. Iron Man understood the assignment.

Within 10 minutes of being inside he was kissing me. I don’t kiss those I’m not in a relationship with, yet there I was making out on the sofa Lord Voldemort bought.

Then it was into the bedroom and he was face first into the FUPA. I figured I would let him play around for a moment and get to business. No. He was good. Very good. He was enthusiastic and could breath through his ears. Okay kid.

Eventually he was ready to fuck and fuck he did.

I came so much I lost my voice. I did a version of a Nicole tap out and eventually told him 4 hours later, dude I need you to cum. Then he did, and well …wow.

There were ‘issues’, and I will have to teach him how to fuck me, but he’s a #1 in the rotation. We are going to ignore that the rotation is him at the moment, because despite the current circumstances there will be a roster.

With his skills, I would not need a roster, but I also MUST build a roster because he is the kind who I could accidentally end up in a relationship with. I would wake up in November and he’d be on the couch and I’d be asking myself how the fuck that happened.

He reminds me physically a little of Kahlil, but the dick is smaller. It’s bigger than Lord Voldemort’s though which is a nice change.

Iron Man touches on my need to build and care, and I have to watch that closely, but in the meantime, I am cool with swinging by to pick him up to blow my back out.

He’s got a lot of stamina and a lot of exploration in him.

I’ve got a lot of orgasms to have while I work up the courage to respond to the OTHER text. I will respond, because it matters, I just don’t want it to.