There is a woman I am enthralled with. I ran across this on her page and I really had to stop and sip coffee and consider my life choices. I mean, one of my amazing personality traits is that I have figured out how to be petty in ways people didn’t think was possible.

Okay, perhaps that is not amazing.

So I went and looked up the actual definition of petty:

At that point I considered adding a little vodka to the coffee because I truly was not ready to be slapped in the face with this reality on a glorious Saturday morning.

I was sure that I was missing something so I went through many dictionaries and was reminded that I don’t get to change the meaning of a word because it doesn’t fit my narrative.

My petty can be legendary, folx who interact with me in the positive often hope that it continues and they are not on the receiving end of the negative.

I’ve waited YEARS for the opportunity to reciprocate and remind people not to fuck with me.

There is also the opposite, people who have done me wrong and I’ve just let it go. At many times it was because my life required energy elsewhere, but on occasion it was because I knew despite all I am capable of the life they are living is long-term and consistent punishment that I deemed sufficient for the offense to me.

Lord Voldemort is actually one of those people. There are so many more things I could do to pay him back for his bullshit, and yes it is bullshit. What is the correct penalty for nurturing and feeding my need for love, promising to be the person I could always rely on, delivering the action to make me believe it, and rewarding my commitment, my love, my obedience with trying to leave me exposed and vulnerable and possibly returning to the darkness after the Incident.

The correct ‘punishment’ is to hold him accountable and then release him back to his existence before me. That is what I am doing.

When I say his life without me is the best punishment, it truly is. To fully explain it would require more than I intend to type here, but sure yes he had a ”successful” visit to Philly, but his future with her? It will miss my presence, and even though those two will continue that circle of theirs over and over and over, no one will ever present the escape I did, the one he squandered. He will continue to fill his life with empty items and long for love, and I truly cannot improve on that.

I’ve been a woman who can be ‘alone’. I am still her yet I am also not immune to human emotions and ego.

Yesterday was the Vallejo Art Walk. It’s the 2nd Friday of every month. When I first arrived I didn’t go because I wanted to go with him. In the aftermath of May it was a scramble to be sure that I could hold onto my space, as I let more and more of that go, it is now a matter of do I go….alone.

In Philly, Baltimore, Pottstown it was an easy decision, yes. In Vallejo? I hesitated.

I know that he attends from time to time, and sometimes he attends with her. Was I ready to be out here alone, possibly seeing the two of them, the two of them seeing ME alone? How on earth could I declare VICTORY when I was without companion? Sure I am dating and fucking but someone I wake every morning wanting to be around has escaped me. Well, not precisely, the little one is one of those people, but our connection is different.

Could I really be out there and enjoy myself when I might run into them, pretending to enjoy themselves?

I didn’t stop to think, that seeing me, if they were together would simply take them back to May/June, I was worried that it would diminish my progress and how I could stand in their eyes. As I type this I realize that yes, my presence either alone or with companion would disrupt whatever awkward peace they’ve created. I was too focused on how I might look. Yes me the girl who doesn’t give a shit. Well apparently I do.

I understand that will eventually fade and alter. but it was large and real yesterday. So real I began to dial on the roster as I drove back from San Fran. The Universe delivers though and no one was available.

I came back home to feed the kids and I had a decision, would I retreat to my bedroom or walk back outside. Outside it was. I wanted to experience the Walk, and see what this city delivers. I did. I ended up with new earrings, a protection bracelet, crystals, and connections. I got to smile and laugh an flirt. The oppressive heat went away long enough for the cool breeze to come through and I did what might be considered a dance to the live band. There were no pics though so no one can prove I danced 🙂

I also did something I haven’t really done for a while, I stood. That is a while OTHER entry, but I did it. Yes I woke this morning a little sore, but not in crippling pain.

I signed up to volunteer for a local organization and reminded myself that service is not only a thing you do in your relationship. I Matrix avoided the ToastMasters call, and while I will eventually have to explain to them they are not the best fit for me today, I am thankful for what they gave when they did.

I then took myself to dinner. The budget won’t allow a LOT of that but it allowed for last night. My first choice was Bambinos but my energy took me away from there. I will trust in that and not question why. I then chose Olive Garden. When I pulled into that full parking lot, I got cold feet. It was Friday date night and I wasn’t ready to sit alone surrounded by couples…not yet. Instead I went down the street to the diner. I sat in the middle of the diner, unashamed of being alone and reminded myself of who I can be, when I get out of my own way.

I came home, ate chocolate cream pie in bed and had blissful slumber.

Alone.

I denied access to me from 2 of the people on the roster, choosing instead to finish the day as I had the evening alone, with me being enough. The pie was delicious.

So am I, delicious that is.

Now can I let go of being petty?

Yes, even though a lot of it stems from my youth in the Philly streets. I am not in Philly anymore though so evolution must continue. In the interim, I have art being delivered to MY home, for my pleasure and my coffee is finally hitting. Time to remind these 4 walls who I am while I am reminding myself. The rest will fall into place as the Universe determines.